Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Reunited

Scott and I had spent a week apart while my head was spinning. My affair was brought to light and I didn't know what to do. Scott spent the week at his parents' house. We didn't talk or communicate in any way.  While we were apart I decided to leave Scott for the other man, but God saved me. God saved my marriage. I said good bye to Ozzy and make the drive to Scott's parents' house to ask for forgiveness.
 
Scott's mother answered the door and immediately invited me in. I declined. I didn't know what to expect from his family after everything I put Scott through. Maybe they were going to be super angry with me for breaking my marriage vows and putting Scott though so much pain and heart ache.. Maybe they were going to shout Bible verses at me in hopes that I would "see the light." I simply asked if I may talk with Scott. Cathy politely informed me that Scott and his dad went on a fishing trip, but that they should be returning shortly. She again invited me in while I wanted. I politely told her that I would just wait for Scott outside. I was ashamed. I wish that I could have been an ostrich so I could have bury my head in the ground. I didn't know what to say to her or anybody else in the family.

I sat on the back of my car and stared down the alley waiting for the truck lights to shine down road. I had gone on many fishing trips with Scott and his dad while we were dating. My mind wondered while I waited. I was extremely nervous, almost, to the point of driving off and returning later. Suddenly, Scott's youngest brother came outside to sit with me. I don't remember if he was living at home or just visiting for the weekend. He was very nice to me. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember him telling me he was glad that I was home and that Scott was going to be happy to see me. Not more than 15 minutes later did the truck pull into the alley.

I wasn't nervous anymore. Scott stepped out of the truck and within a blink of an eye I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. It was the best feeling in the world to feel Scott's arms wrap around me. It was so wonderful to see him smiling. As he was holding me I told him that I was sorry. His reply was simple but exactly what I needed to hear, " I forgive you."

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Gratitude Journal Entry # 10

I am so grateful that God gave me the strength and courage to fight for my marriage. I was so tempted to leave Scott for another man. In my opinion, it would have been the easy way out, a fresh start.Scott and I put in some serious hard work, years and years of hard work, to save our marriage.  I am beyond blessed. God has given us so much joy love and passion, more than I though ever possible.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A week apart (Scott's Perspective)

Shannon once again asked me to make a guest post this week and talk about our week of separation.  It is hard for me to put into words how that week went and the details and order are most certainly jumbled up in a huge emotionally draining black hole.  I remember life up to that point as being a big blur of uncomfortable nights between Shannon and I living in the same house.  She continually wanted to go hang out with Ozzy or go to the bar with Ozzy or go bowling with Ozzy.  I was in full "fight for my marriage" mode by now so I would urge her to go do these things with me instead.  Miraculously, Shannon would tell me over and over again about how she didn't want to do those things with me, how she wanted to do them with Ozzy, but somehow, something was keeping her from just leaving the house and going.  She was respecting me enough to not go out with him.  It was strange at the time, but now I find it amazing that she showed me so much respect.  That was definitely God's hand at work and the beginning of Him helping us restore our marriage. 

Finally Shannon had had enough.  She was getting ripped apart from both sides and needed a break to catch her breath.  Reluctantly I agreed and decided it was time to head home for a week and talk to my parents about what was going on.  I packed a bag and Shannon drove me down to my mom and dad's.  They knew I was coming for a week, but they didn't know why.  After a quick hello, Shannon took off and left me sitting at the table with my parents.  We sat awkwardly staring at each other.  It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I finally managed to blurt out our story and the horrible shape my marriage was in.  They sat there in shock for a few moments and then showed me such love and compassion that I knew I had made the right choice in coming home.  For the first couple of days, I didn't do much.  I was in pretty bad shape and tried my best to drown out the world and my situation in as many video games as I could.  The turning point for me was when Sunday rolled around.  I had stayed up too late the night before and had no desire to go anywhere or do anything.  My dad came upstairs and told me that he understands that the last thing I probably wanted to do is go to church and be around people, but he believed that the best thing I could do was go and focus on God.  I didn't have anything better to do, so I followed his advice and got in the car.  Once there, I felt the weight slowly lift off my shoulders.  There was a 'silent prayer request' that was prayed for that day and I knew my parents had put that in there for me.  My dad is a wonderful spiritual leader, but my mom, well, she basically has a direct line to the man upstairs sitting on her nightstand.  She is the mightiest pray warrior I have ever known and she made sure there were many, many, many, many people praying for me.  After church I felt re-energized to finish the fight.

I eventually had a meeting with the pastor of that church.  I spent hours searching the bible for anything and everything God has said about marriage.  I prayed constantly and focused on getting closer to God and giving the situation over into his hands.  I started to feel lead to do certain things that didn't make sense to me, but I would do them anyway.  I wrote Shannon lots of letters and I am sure I filled them up with things that I discovered in the bible and urged her to look them up and pray about them.  I sat down one evening towards the end of the week and wrote a nice long email to my 'friend' Ozzy.  I couldn't sleep that night and felt the need to show my findings to him as well.  I filled up that email with all the bible verses I had read and tried my best to show him how what he was doing was a sin and God didn't agree with any of it.  After I sent the email I felt at peace that God was in control and finally got some sleep.  Dad and I had a big fishing trip planned the next day, so when I say some sleep, it wasn't really much.  I got up early the next day and checked my email quick before heading out to the lake with dad.  I was in shock to see a response from Ozzy so quickly.  All that it said was "I am not reading any of those verses.  I met with Shannon yesterday and she told me that she chose you.  Congratulations, you win."  I was in shock.  I didn't know what to do or what would happen next.  I wanted to call her right away, but it was way too early in the morning for that.  I don't know where we went fishing, if we caught anything, or how long we were out.  I do remember though, thanking God and praising him the entire time we were gone.  When we got home from the fishing trip I was rewarded with the most amazing thing I had seen since this all started.  In my parents driveway sat my beautiful wife, with the biggest smile on her face.  The fight was finally over, but the work had just begun...

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Drive

I wasn't thinking straight. I was emotionally and physically exhausted.  I had hardly slept the previous night as I was mulling over a million ways to tell my lover good-bye. It was heart wrenching but earlier that evening I actually did it. I told Ozzy our affair was over and that I was choosing Scott. My heart on my sleeve and my face wet from tears, I drove to a friends house and told them everything that had happened. They encouraged me and prayed with me and I drove home.

My heart was beating a millions times a minutes as I was packing a bag. The only thing I had on my mind was running to Scott. I was suddenly filled with a happy joy that had been missing for a long time. I was making the choice to stop my sinful lifestyle and return to my marriage. It was getting very late in the evening and I had a several hour drive to get to Scott's parent's house. I had made an agreement with Scott that I needed a week to myself to think things through and he choose to spend his week with his Mom and Dad. We hadn't spoken to each other the whole week. He did send me e-mails, very long e-mails. I did read them but I never replied to them.

As I was driving, my mind was flooded with possible reactions from Scott. My head over-flowed with questions and doubt. What was going to happen? Was he even going to take me back?  Was he even going to talk to me? If it were me, I won't talk to me. I have been so stupid. What was I going to say? Was I going to hug him? Was he going to yell at me? I wonder if he told his parents? What were they going to say to me? How were they going to react to me? I continued to drive. I was scared to the point of turning around, but something inside me kept pushing me to run to Scott.

I drove slowly by the house. I noticed that some lights were on. I pulled into the driveway and my mind went numb. My hand began to sweat and my heart was pounding so loud I am sure someone would have heard it. I took several, maybe a dozen deep breaths to calm myself down and I knocked on the door.





Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Resuming Next Week

Scott has started a new job and we are currently adjusting to life with the new work schedule.  I will be resuming my writing next week.  Thank you for your patience.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Gratitude Journal Entry # 9

Gratitude Journal Entry # 9

 I have been blogging for about 2 1/2 months now. I try to pour my heart and soul into my writings because I really want others to know what it was like to go through an affair, in hopes that they will see the mess it made and never make the mistake on their own. If they have already fallen into a love triangle, I want to be able to give them hope and encourage them that mistakes can be forgiven and the marriage can be saved if they are willing to work at it.

Writing is hard. Especially because I am trying to be so honest and raw with my emotions. I am so grateful for the feedback I have received from friends and loved ones. Sometimes the feed back isn't something I like to hear, but it is still helpful to know how others are dealing with the story, or what I might be missing. Even if everyone hated  my writings, I would still write because this is what God has laid upon my heart to share. I have received many great comments complimenting my writings and my vulnerability. I am thankful for any and all feedback. Please don't be afraid to leave me a message.


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Brokenness

I am trying to learn more about  affairs and the healing process. I have been researching websites and reading lots of books on the topic. I want to be knowledgeable so that I can help others who might be in a similar situation. Once the new year hits, I hope to make a tab displaying helpful resources. In the mean time, I ran across this article from affairhealing.com. I thought it was very helpful. It lists several ideas to help you deal with brokenness.

 Here is the article entitled: It's Good To Be Broken
 http://www.affairhealing.com/affair-healing-journal/its-good-to-be-broken.html

 After I said goodbye to my affair partner, my heart ached like it never had before. It caused pain, sadness, and depression to say goodbye to someone who I was emotionally and physically tied to. I went through several stages of grief all while trying to heal my marriage. I cried several nights because I missed Ozzy so much. To my surprise, Scott would hold me while I sobbed. He somehow knew my pain and understood my brokenness.

At first I was not remorseful or even sorry for my actions. I was in denial because I had convinced myself that I deserved passionate love. I deserved to be noticed.  I was not sorry for the mess I caused or the pain I put Scott through. I was feeling sorry for myself and dealing with the grief of saying goodbye to someone who was very near and dear to me. God called me to go back with Scott and I would argue with God that he didn't know what he was doing and that he was making me go down the wrong path. It took strength and faith in God at my darkest times to stay committed. After time, when I had dealt with some of my own emotions, I was able to see that I did something bad. I felt terrible that I ruined our marriage. I felt shameful and dirty and told Scott he deserved better. He continually showed his willingness to fight for our marriage. Healing isn't pretty. There are back slides, detours and a lot of tears. We both were committed to healing our relationship. Rebuilding trust takes time. It's hard work, but it is worth it. I promise you, it is worth it!

The affair is still very much a part of me, it has broken off a chunk of my heart. I still have terrible flashbacks and currently dealing with depression as I have started to dissect my past, but I know that my God is a God of grace and love. He will deliver me from my pain and the pain that I caused other. I have a story to share  with the world. I want others to learn through my mistake so that they don't have to wake up every day and realize that they messed up. I am working on acceptance and forgiving myself and it has been an 8 year process and I am not there yet.





Monday, December 3, 2012

Saying Good-Bye


I wiped the tears from my face. I now realized that I had been running in the wrong direction. I found myself between a rock and a hard place. I was in love with two men. My husband, Scott,  found out from a friend that I was having an affair with Ozzy. Scott made it clear to me that he had his boxing gloves on and was ready to fight to the death for our marriage. Ozzy was pressuring me to make a choice about our future. I took a week to myself to think things through, and I made my choice. I was going to fight to fix my marriage.

Scott was spending the week up at his parents house. I decided that, before running to Scott, I needed to close the door on my affair. Now, please remember that I was convinced that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with Ozzy. He was my soul mate. My best friend. It was just the night before that I had found the Bible verse that changed my mind to return to my husband. My mind was made up, but my heart was fighting every fiber within my being to stay with Ozzy. I called Ozzy and asked him to meet me the next day for coffee.

That night I couldn't sleep. My mind was traveling at a million miles an hour. I was trying to convince my heart that it was okay to let Ozzy go. I needed to let him go. It was the first step towards repairing my marriage. The battle between heart and mind is an exhausting battle. In the end, my mind won and my heart was shredded into a million pieces as I drove to meet Ozzy.

We met late in the afternoon. We met at our usual coffee spot. I pulled in to the parking lot and I was numb. I of course had played this moment over and over in my head as to what might happen, what his response might be. I slowly got out of the car and walked over to Ozzy, who was standing near his car. I think he knew something was not quite right. I usually greeted him with a hug and a kiss. I was usually upbeat and always happy to see him. This greeting was much different.

He went in to get a coffee and asked if I wanted one. I said no. He returned minutes later and asked where I wanted to go to talk. I gave him a long hug. It was the last hug before saying good bye. I suggested a place that was special to us. It was a place that we had walked many times. It was a place we loved. Ozzy must have certainty known something was up when I opted to drive to our rondevue separately.

We arrived and descended down the wooden stairs to a single bench over looking a small lake. I don't remember any details of our actual conversation. It was a fairly short conversation. I recall the hurt in his eyes. The disappointment on his face. I remember crying as I told him the decision that I had made. He stood up, tears in his eyes, and after what seemeed like forever said something. I can't recall what it was. But he then turned around and I watched him as he walked up the steps, got into his car, and sped off.

My heart shattered. I sat on the bench for a long while sobbing. I had thougth for a moment that I was making the wrong choice and that if only Ozzy would drive back to the park I would change my mind. I sat there waiting and crying. I gathered myself and the pieces of my heart and walked up to my car. I didn't dare drive home. I didn't want to be alone. I needed to talk to somebody. I drove with no destination in mind.

I arrived at a house of a wonderful couple. This family had been amazing mentors in during mine and Scott's marriage. This family was a wonderful God loving family. They immediately invited me in. I sat on their couch and told them of everything that happened. They prayed over me and gave me some advice. The consoled me and encouraged me as I faced the next task of revealing my decision to Scott.