No Regrets

Back when the affair happened and in fact just ended, I had not regrets. I felt that I deserved to receive love and if I wasn't getting my needs met by my husband than I should have them met by someone else...Selfish, I know. Reflecting back on this sad notion, I believe that is why I had the hardest time with leaving Ozzy. I mourned his loss for a very long time. In fact, to this very day, my heart still feels like there is a hole. That is one of the terrible consequences from participating in an affair...the grief and sadness you feel, five and ten years down the road. It takes the heart a long time to heal. I try to fill that hole with the love of my Lord, because he, and only he can fill me up and be my everything. It isn't an easy task. It takes perseverance and a lot of correction to always place God in the void.

I can now say, that I regret everything. I regret spending time with a man who was not my husband. I regret spilling my heart over to him. I regret sharing my dreams. I regret holding his hand. I regret kissing him. I regret day dreaming about him. I regret sleeping with him. I regret everything.  Honestly I feel sad to say these things. They feel so mean and hurtful if Ozzy was ever to come across this. But it is the truth. My relationship with God is my first priority with my life followed closely with my relationship with my husband. My action with Ozzy, hurt and has tormented me for years. My actions with Ozzy destroyed my relationship with my husband and cut me off from God for a time. I regret it.

The dictionary defines regret as:

re·gret

  [ri-gret]  Show IPA verb, re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, noun

verb (used with object)

1.

to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regrettedit.

2.

to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

noun

3.

a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4.

a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

5.

regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets.

6.

a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret." 

I do feel remorse for my actions. I am sad that it took so long to really deal with my emotions and feelings of entitlement. But By nature, I am a sinful person. I have had several chats with my husband about the feelings that have accompanied the affair. He understands and encourages me, which to this day just blows my mind. I have been blessed with a great man who forgives me and loves me still. Scott is and has been patient with me as new feelings have surfaced from my writings. He is such a great encouragement to me...and then to think how much more God loves me and forgives me, is just mind boggling. I praise God for blotting out my sin and revealing to me that I needed to get out of the affair. I praise God for the opportunity to rebuild my marriage. I praise God for the removal of my sackcloth and clothing me in joy!! (Psalm 30) I believe I still have a long road ahead of me as I deal with the unique layers of emotion from my past and ones yet to appear as I write and reveal my heart.

Memorize Monday

Fighter Verse for this week is found at James 4: 13-14

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what till happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

~James 4:13-14

Remember to help you memorize the scripture you need to:

Write, Rewrite and Recite!!

Gratitude Journal Entry # 28

Gratitude Journal Entry # 28

I recently was part of a book study through our church. We just had our last gathering this past week. It was bitter sweet for me because we had just started attending this church and I came into this group knowing 2 people. It was very nerve-racking for me, because at first, I am a shy lady. I felt like I was just finally starting to open up to these women and now we are done with the book. These ladies were insightful, encouraging and extremely helpful! I've made a handful of new friends. So, this week, I am thankful for the chance to be part of this group. I am thankful that these ladies took me in and love me for me. I am thankful for all the stories and lessons they shared from their own lives.

BTW the book was amazing. It was called What Did You Expect, by Paul David Tripp. I definitely will be referencing some pages in this amazing book throughout  my blog. I recommend this book to any one who is married or planned to be married..AMAZING!

Wildcard Wednesday: Sadness

                    Sadness

Watch her face with the tears rolling down.
Watch her mouth as she stands with a frown.
Watch her head as it hangs low.
Watch her feet, stopped, not on the go.
Watch as she stands with a droop.
It is time to recoup.

Her world is shattered and life is no more. 
Sadness is something we should not bypass or ignore.
It is agony.
It is fear.
It is loneliness.
It is real.

If I could, I would say
It won't always be as bad as this day.
Give it time, your heart will heal,
Everything now is so surreal.
You need not to give up
To find Joy again, worship.

Give Him praise for what you had.
Ask Him to comfort you when you are sad.
Seek Him first and He will shall pass on peace
He will bless you with great release.

By: Shannon Chilson 5-29-2013

A Major Consequence

I have a confession to make. Sometimes it's hard to write about the past. I thought I've dealt with most of these things, but the deeper I get in to the story, I am surprised by several emotions that creep up. I know that the thoughts and emotions that are tied to this tragic event are a consequence. I have been working though the emotions by reminding myself of the reality.  I also very aware that satan likes to confuse people. He likes to use our irrational emotions against us and ultimately against God.

One of the emotions that I have been struggling the most with is raw heartache. In an instant, I can mentally transport back into passion and lust. In just a moments time, I can be pulled in to the deep desires and heat that were once connected with my past. I have a very difficult time putting words to these emotions that I feel. I can describe the torture and the deep anguish I feel when I am taken back by these feelings. It is raw and fragile, like the colors being stripped out of a beautiful and delicate flower. Each time I am pulled into the past, I am haunted by the sin I committed. It is like I am there, still in the affair. My heart breaks and feels as if the void of Ozzy is still as deep and stings as much as it did when I had to say goodbye. My heart mourns the way I treated my husband and I can hear my vows breaking as if they were delicate china being thrown against a rugged stone wall. Pure agony..

My reality is not sneaking around and planning secret rendezvous. My reality is not being irrational with my emotions. My reality is not living with my head stuck in the clouds thinking that life is easy and love is so innocent. I will not allow satan to pull me into my past. My life is so different now. Of course an affair is easy, passionate, and has no responsibilities. Once you throw in children, house payments, employment and other everyday life, it pulls the romance and and effortlessness right out the window

I often have a hard time when I compare the affair with my real life. Affairs are enticing because they are not reality. It's so desirable to have love the easy way, with no work and no road blocks. My life now is full of road blocks and difficult everyday issues. But the great things about my love now, is that I know God blessed me with Scott. He chose Scott out of all the millions and billions of men to be mine, for me to keep and share my life with. Scott is an amazing man, not only to be willing to take me back after everything I put him through, but also because he loves me. Deep in his heart he loves me. He wants to please me. He wants to share my life.

Life is hard. But I love a challenge. Scott is my treasure from God and I want to work hard to keep out love strong. I will not let satan win over my emotions and flashbacks. I will not allow myself to dream about the ease of on affair. My heart is sad for the choices I've made. It has been 10 years since the affair ended. It is sad that it is still so fresh in my mind. A solid consequence for my sinful actions.

Memorize Monday

I don't know if I have mentioned this just yet, but our church is participating in Fighter Verse 2013! You can check out more about it here FighterVerses.com!! There are a lot of great resources to check out while you are there! 

Scripture is so hard to memorize mostly because I don't make it a priority. So not only am I going to write out this weeks Fighter Verse, but I am also going to spoil you with some tips on memorization. 

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1 

Tips to help you with memorization:

1. Write it down. Write it out several times.
2. After all that writing (see tip #1) hang them up around your house. Each time you see the verse around the house read it aloud.
3. Say it out Loud! 
4. Practice!! Repeat the verse out loud over and over and over and over and over and over....
5. Make up a song with the verse. 

Gratitue Journal # ?

It has been a long while since I have made any additions to my gratitude journal, but in lieu of the deadly tornado in Moore, Oklahoma, I am blessed beyond all measure for my amazing husband and miracle babies. Praising God for the beautiful blessing of family.