No Regrets

Back when the affair happened and in fact just ended, I had not regrets. I felt that I deserved to receive love and if I wasn't getting my needs met by my husband than I should have them met by someone else...Selfish, I know. Reflecting back on this sad notion, I believe that is why I had the hardest time with leaving Ozzy. I mourned his loss for a very long time. In fact, to this very day, my heart still feels like there is a hole. That is one of the terrible consequences from participating in an affair...the grief and sadness you feel, five and ten years down the road. It takes the heart a long time to heal. I try to fill that hole with the love of my Lord, because he, and only he can fill me up and be my everything. It isn't an easy task. It takes perseverance and a lot of correction to always place God in the void.

I can now say, that I regret everything. I regret spending time with a man who was not my husband. I regret spilling my heart over to him. I regret sharing my dreams. I regret holding his hand. I regret kissing him. I regret day dreaming about him. I regret sleeping with him. I regret everything.  Honestly I feel sad to say these things. They feel so mean and hurtful if Ozzy was ever to come across this. But it is the truth. My relationship with God is my first priority with my life followed closely with my relationship with my husband. My action with Ozzy, hurt and has tormented me for years. My actions with Ozzy destroyed my relationship with my husband and cut me off from God for a time. I regret it.

The dictionary defines regret as:

re·gret

  [ri-gret]  Show IPA verb, re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, noun

verb (used with object)

1.

to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regrettedit.

2.

to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

noun

3.

a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4.

a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

5.

regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets.

6.

a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret." 

I do feel remorse for my actions. I am sad that it took so long to really deal with my emotions and feelings of entitlement. But By nature, I am a sinful person. I have had several chats with my husband about the feelings that have accompanied the affair. He understands and encourages me, which to this day just blows my mind. I have been blessed with a great man who forgives me and loves me still. Scott is and has been patient with me as new feelings have surfaced from my writings. He is such a great encouragement to me...and then to think how much more God loves me and forgives me, is just mind boggling. I praise God for blotting out my sin and revealing to me that I needed to get out of the affair. I praise God for the opportunity to rebuild my marriage. I praise God for the removal of my sackcloth and clothing me in joy!! (Psalm 30) I believe I still have a long road ahead of me as I deal with the unique layers of emotion from my past and ones yet to appear as I write and reveal my heart.

3 Aspects of Sin

Scott and I had been married for about a year before my heart became tainted with love and lust for another man. I was like Eve in the Garden of Eden when the serpent tricked her into thinking she needed the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Genesis 3:1-7:

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,  but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’"

 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.  “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

  When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.  Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

I found while studying the verses above that that are three aspects of sin; good for food, pleasing to the eye, and desirable for gaining wisdom. Satan, the master deceiver, has ways to make forbidden things look good, pleasing and desirable to us. He tricks us into thinking that we need these good and pleasant things that in all actuality will harm us or hurt us. He doesn't care about our well-being. He doesn't care about our souls. He wants us to sin in hopes of tainting our love for God.

 How can something pure as love cause sin?

The devil tricked me into thinking that acceptance from another man was good, a new and fresh relationship was pleasing and  his comfort and passion was desirable.  When I realized that a friendship had slipped into an emotional affair, I was already neck deep. I was passionately and completely in love and it wasn't with my husband. The devil deceived me into thinking that I couldn't live without my lover. I needed his acceptance, passion, and love to breath and live. I believed the lies so much that I almost left my husband to pursue a life of mystery and excitement. I was deceived by the devil.

I fall to my knees each time I think of God's unending love and immeasurable grace.  I sinned. My heart and soul covered by the darkest, thickest slime this world can dish out, my heart, unwashed after being dragged through manure and filth. Disgusting. Broken. Ashamed.

By the grace of God, I found my way out of the slime and filth. I mustered all my strength and crawled to the feet of my loving Father and clung for life. God, without hesitating, called me his child and with open arms, held me close. My grace is sufficient for you. You have been clean and shine like snow. Your sins are no more. You are still my child. God accepts me as clean, pure and beautiful.

My Gratitude Journal

I am starting my series called My Gratitude Journal! 

In Colossians 3:15-18 the bible says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Psalm 100 
 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
     Worship the Lord with gladness;
    come before him with joyful songs.
 Know that the Lord is God.
    It is he who made us, and we are his;
    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

 Each Thursday for the next year, I will be writing an entry into my Gratitude Journal here on this blog, something I am grateful to have in my life, big or little.  I challenge you to join me. Feel free to leave a comment each week to share the things you are thankful for! You can start your own gratitude journal by grabbing a notebook and writing down one thing you are grateful for each week.



Gratitude Journal Entry #1:
  Thank you God for this opportunity to share my story. Blogs and other social networks are a great platform for sharing my story with others. I am thankful for the experience of blogging and the feedback I have already received. Thank you for blessing me with courage and strength as I share my story with the world.