The Selfish Monster

Selfish. This word is the root of all evil. Okay, maybe not all evil but selfishness is what caused the down fall of man and woman.

 Genesis 3: 1-7

3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

² The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
⁴ “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
⁶ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. ⁷ Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

The woman wanted to be like God. She was willing to put God's command to not eat the fruit aside to delight in her selfish desires. This is something that boggles my mind. Selfishness was one of the first sins in the Bible. The whole fall of man and the sinful nature that we have inherited from our forefathers and foremothers all started with selfishness. The punishment was harsh but justly given..yet generation after generation the sins we still take part in are that of selfish roots. Why have we not learned? It's so simple. Don't be selfish. But it's our selfishness that causing us heartache and leads us to sin. We covet what we don't have because we are selfish. We horde and keep the earthly possessions we do have, not wanting to share them, because they are ours. We boast about the things we own and what we can do. We need more, want more, buy more..because we are a self-centered people. I am not any type of exception to this rule.

My affair was the most selfish,  act I ever took part in. I wanted love in a way I wasn't getting it. How much easier would it have been for me to confront my husband and simply ask for love the way I needed it. My sinful nature lusted after my selfish heart, which lead me to spiritual death. I don't know of a more selfish act of sin, suicide maybe, but we are not going to touch that topic just yet. I selfishly ruined my marriage bed. I selfishly, yet knowingly, broke my marriage vows. I selfishly put my husband through hell as he was fighting and waiting for me to come back. I selfishly committed sin against God, who despite my sin and selfishness died on the cross for me, knowing that this was going to happen.

Despite the ugliness of my selfish heart, my God sees me as; beautiful, radiant, a princess, clean, loved, honored, treasured, anointed and His beloved. How can I keep this to myself? I will not be selfish with my King, My God.  I will shout his love from the mountain tops. I will write of His love and grace all over my blog. I will spread the joy and peace I have been given, despite of my sin. I admit that I am still swallowed by the ugly and untamed selfishness, that is my sinful nature..but I will fight the remainder of my life to tame this unwanted beast. I will pray with all my might that the evil selfish monster doesn't swallow me again. I beg God and plead with God for the marriages in this world to team together, as man and wife, and tame the selfishness that grabs us so tightly.

No Regrets

Back when the affair happened and in fact just ended, I had not regrets. I felt that I deserved to receive love and if I wasn't getting my needs met by my husband than I should have them met by someone else...Selfish, I know. Reflecting back on this sad notion, I believe that is why I had the hardest time with leaving Ozzy. I mourned his loss for a very long time. In fact, to this very day, my heart still feels like there is a hole. That is one of the terrible consequences from participating in an affair...the grief and sadness you feel, five and ten years down the road. It takes the heart a long time to heal. I try to fill that hole with the love of my Lord, because he, and only he can fill me up and be my everything. It isn't an easy task. It takes perseverance and a lot of correction to always place God in the void.

I can now say, that I regret everything. I regret spending time with a man who was not my husband. I regret spilling my heart over to him. I regret sharing my dreams. I regret holding his hand. I regret kissing him. I regret day dreaming about him. I regret sleeping with him. I regret everything.  Honestly I feel sad to say these things. They feel so mean and hurtful if Ozzy was ever to come across this. But it is the truth. My relationship with God is my first priority with my life followed closely with my relationship with my husband. My action with Ozzy, hurt and has tormented me for years. My actions with Ozzy destroyed my relationship with my husband and cut me off from God for a time. I regret it.

The dictionary defines regret as:

re·gret

  [ri-gret]  Show IPA verb, re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, noun

verb (used with object)

1.

to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regrettedit.

2.

to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

noun

3.

a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4.

a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

5.

regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets.

6.

a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret." 

I do feel remorse for my actions. I am sad that it took so long to really deal with my emotions and feelings of entitlement. But By nature, I am a sinful person. I have had several chats with my husband about the feelings that have accompanied the affair. He understands and encourages me, which to this day just blows my mind. I have been blessed with a great man who forgives me and loves me still. Scott is and has been patient with me as new feelings have surfaced from my writings. He is such a great encouragement to me...and then to think how much more God loves me and forgives me, is just mind boggling. I praise God for blotting out my sin and revealing to me that I needed to get out of the affair. I praise God for the opportunity to rebuild my marriage. I praise God for the removal of my sackcloth and clothing me in joy!! (Psalm 30) I believe I still have a long road ahead of me as I deal with the unique layers of emotion from my past and ones yet to appear as I write and reveal my heart.

Punishment for the Crime.

Now as an adult I sometimes struggle with discipline. I often wonder if God disciplines us? He is a loving God. He is a gracious God. What would his punishment look like?

Hebrews 12: 4-11

God Disciplines His Children

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 

 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son?

  It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,

and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

Endure hardship as discipline; 

God is treating you as his children.

 For what children are not disciplined by their father?

 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.

 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. 

How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 

 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best;

 but God disciplines us for our good, 

in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it produces a harvest of 

righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Soon after the affair ended and Scott and I started rebuilding our marriage, I started having health issues. Serious health issues. After some testing I was told that I would not be able to get pregnant. Scott and I had not started trying at this point. We were focusing our marriage and knew, that for us, we would be waiting a while before we would start having a family. We, of course, wanted to eventually have babies. So this news was very hard to take.

I immediately deemed the news from the doctors as a form of punishment from God. It was some how a punishment to my sinful living. It was because I had ruined my marriage bed. The Bible tells us in Hebrews that the Lord disciplines those he loves. It was settled that I was being punished.

Several years down the road, Scott and I decided to start trying to have a baby. It took us several years to conceive, but soon after we found out we were expecting, we had a miscarriage. The doctor told me that my uterus was not conducive to caring. We were crushed.

I struggled for a long while with anger towards God. Why would he punish me for my affair by withholding children from Scott? I was so furious. I did not want to believe that God was loving and gracious. He was unleashing his power and wrath on me and my uterus. It took me several months to finally except that I deserved to be punished for my sin and that if God indeed felt that I shouldn't have babies then so be it. It was a fitting punishment for the crime I had committed.

However, as I look back at this story in my life..I can now clearly see that God was not using my health as a punishment. I also have learned that Punishment is too harsh a word. God doesn't "punish" us he disciplines us. There is a big difference between the words. In my naivety I was using the words interchangeable.

The dictionary defines the words as follows:

Punishment

 

1.the act of punishing.

2.the fact of being punished, as for an offense or fault.

3.a penalty inflicted for an offense, fault, etc.

4.severe handling or treatment.

Discipline

1.training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.

2.activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.

3.punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.

4.the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.: the harsh discipline of poverty.

5.behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army.

I found that there is a settle difference between the two.

I have learned from my past that the Lord does indeed discipline us for sinning. God does not discipline us with retribution. He is not a detached, ruthless or unemotional God who wants to make us pay for what we did. Indeed Not. Our Lord is loving and caring. He loves us. We are his children. Just as I would train my young children, the Lord loving and gently guides and corrects us. He has high standard for us. He wants us to be Holy just as he is holy.

I also found an article from Gotquestions.org that made this point,
"God will use testing, trails and various predicaments to bring us back to himself in repentance. The results of his discipline is stronger faith and a rewarding relationship with God, but most importantly to destroy the hold of that particular sin over us."

I agree with this statement. After the affair ended Scott and I were in the mist of a marital emergency. We endured testing as we rebuild our marriage. But though the lessons we learned out faith has been strengthened and we matured together as our character was being shaped and molded by the Lord. The sin of of my affair was removed by the Lord. He has wiped out my iniquity and I am made anew!! I have learned my lesson as far as the disciple goes. With the help of the Lord, I have destroyed the hold that the infidelity had on my life. I am still dealing with the consequences, but that's another topic.

Gaining the Courage

I am fearful. I am nervous. I am afraid of what others will think of me.

 I am gaining the courage to share with my family and friends some amazing things that have been happening in my life. More importantly, I am gaining the courage to share my story with the world. God is placing a desire on my heart to share my story with others in hopes to encourage them, be a support to them and most importantly be a light in dark places. "We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Yes, we have all sinned, but there is a major part of my testimony that has fallen short, has been thrown in the mud and has been buried in my heart for a long long time. A handful of people know the story and the hurt and shame that are tied to it.

The best part of my story is the ending!! My story ends with God's unending grace and love covering my heart and my life from all the shame that I put there. God tore down walls and rebuilt love and life in ways that only He can. That is what I want to share! I want others to see that anything is possible with God. He knows what He is doing! We don't need to fill our hearts with our own desires. When we look for our own desires, we always look in the wrong place or go to the wrong person. But when we delight in the Lord, he will give us the desires of our heart...because really God is the only one who really knows what those desires are. Let me tell you from my own experiences, the desires that God gives are a billion times better then the ones we try to find for ourselves.

Welcome to Immeasurable Grace!

 I will be blogging about my past and the effects it has had on my future. I am being challenged to open up my heart and soul with the world. Each week I invite you to ride along as I give you a small glimpse into my inner struggles. We can travel together into the valleys of my sin and shame; rounding out our hike by climbing the mountains of victory and grace. I am nervous. I am fearful. My passion exceeds all fears and I am ready to be a light in the darkness.