The Selfish Monster

Selfish. This word is the root of all evil. Okay, maybe not all evil but selfishness is what caused the down fall of man and woman.

 Genesis 3: 1-7

3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

² The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
⁴ “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
⁶ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. ⁷ Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

The woman wanted to be like God. She was willing to put God's command to not eat the fruit aside to delight in her selfish desires. This is something that boggles my mind. Selfishness was one of the first sins in the Bible. The whole fall of man and the sinful nature that we have inherited from our forefathers and foremothers all started with selfishness. The punishment was harsh but justly given..yet generation after generation the sins we still take part in are that of selfish roots. Why have we not learned? It's so simple. Don't be selfish. But it's our selfishness that causing us heartache and leads us to sin. We covet what we don't have because we are selfish. We horde and keep the earthly possessions we do have, not wanting to share them, because they are ours. We boast about the things we own and what we can do. We need more, want more, buy more..because we are a self-centered people. I am not any type of exception to this rule.

My affair was the most selfish,  act I ever took part in. I wanted love in a way I wasn't getting it. How much easier would it have been for me to confront my husband and simply ask for love the way I needed it. My sinful nature lusted after my selfish heart, which lead me to spiritual death. I don't know of a more selfish act of sin, suicide maybe, but we are not going to touch that topic just yet. I selfishly ruined my marriage bed. I selfishly, yet knowingly, broke my marriage vows. I selfishly put my husband through hell as he was fighting and waiting for me to come back. I selfishly committed sin against God, who despite my sin and selfishness died on the cross for me, knowing that this was going to happen.

Despite the ugliness of my selfish heart, my God sees me as; beautiful, radiant, a princess, clean, loved, honored, treasured, anointed and His beloved. How can I keep this to myself? I will not be selfish with my King, My God.  I will shout his love from the mountain tops. I will write of His love and grace all over my blog. I will spread the joy and peace I have been given, despite of my sin. I admit that I am still swallowed by the ugly and untamed selfishness, that is my sinful nature..but I will fight the remainder of my life to tame this unwanted beast. I will pray with all my might that the evil selfish monster doesn't swallow me again. I beg God and plead with God for the marriages in this world to team together, as man and wife, and tame the selfishness that grabs us so tightly.

Slow Fade

It is so amazing to me how quickly one can 'fade to gray.' It can happen so quickly. It's actually frightening. Looking back on my affair, that's how it started, a slow fade which continued and grew darker and darker until -I- dug myself a nice deep hole so deep, I couldn't find my way out. Should I go up? Down? I was so far in over my head..I couldn't breath. Dark. Secrets. Death knocking on the door. Not the type of death you may be thinking of. But death of my spirit and soul, turning away from God type of death. My past is so scary to think about. If you have never heard the song by the group Casting Crowns entitled, "Slowfade," please take the time to do a search on you tube..or better yet, here is a link! 'Slowfade' by Casting Crowns

It is a life altering song.

It starts with our daily choices. Daily. I don't know about you, but often, I made spur of the moment decisions, without giving it a thought. That is when the Holy Spirit comes into play. I know I have written about the Holy Spirit before, but it is not something to take lightly.


It's weird, but I am going to quote myself here. My blog post on October 31, 2012 was entitled Holy Spirit and there I wrote the following: "The Holy Spirit is our advocate. He will guide us in truth. In the sin of my affair, I ignored the urges of the Holy Spirit. At first, I could feel the Holy Spirit urging me, putting unrest and guilt in my heart. We are free to make our own choices and I choose to ignore the Holy Spirit. As I continued down the path of sin and shame, it seemed to me that  I was able to tuned-out the voice of the Holy Spirit. I am sure He was still urging me and calling me to turn from my sin. I became callous to my sin and began to justify my behaviors. I deceived myself into thinking that I was doing nothing wrong and I continued to look for validation. I was choosing to disobey God by living in my sin and continuing with my affair. "

We need to be spending time in the word. During my affair, unfortunate, I was not in the word. I was not even open to listening to the word. I had my back to Jesus and was running in the opposite direction. If only I would have been in tune with the Holy Spirit. If only I would have been reading my Bible. If only I would have remembered the price my Jesus paid for me on the cross. If then, I would not have gone down the slippy slope of an affair. If then, I would have been bold and would have fought -FOR- my marriage instead of against it. If then...

The only redeeming factor is my Jesus. My marriage was spared because of my Jesus. My marriage has been rebuild because of my Jesus! My marriage is a gift, a love of second chances because of my Jesus. I can't turn back the clocks and undo my mistakes. I can only treasure the time as we move into the future and count my blessing daily. Giving unending praise and thanks to God for extending grace and love. 

It's a Slow Fade..so be careful...

The Brokenhearted

I had a broken heart. It literally felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest, still pumping, as a huge hole was made. The hole is everything I thought love was. I cannot stress enough how much I was in love with Ozzy. I was ready to leave my husband for him. He was my world. He made me happy. He really showed me what love was. I was very selfish. I think anyone who has an affair is selfish. But I wasn't thinking about Scott or how to fix my marriage at first. Let me explain my brokenness.

First of all, the love of my life was gone..and it was my choice. I had a revelation from God that I was to be with Scott. I said goodbye to Ozzy even though my heart longed for him. My heart was craving him and wanting him more and more. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder..and for a long while it was true. I don't know how Scott put up with me crying because I was missing Ozzy.  I was in mourning over the loss of our friendship and love.. One of the amazing things about my husband is that he is very compassionate. He held me as my body shook from sobbing. I told Scott about my dreams involving Ozzy. If I would have been in Scott's shoes, I don't think I could have handled it. I think I would be like, if you love him so much then go be with him and stop crying...

Secondly, I was heartbroken over the choices that I made. I sinned against my God.  I Lied. I cheated. I was manipulative. I did some really, really bad things. I made really poor choices. I know that the Lord knows everything. He knows our thoughts and our deeds before we even do them. It took me the longest time to confess my sins to God. I bartered with him, telling him that He already knew everything so why did I have to say it. It was a terrible inner struggle that I faced. But of course God always wins...and I finally confessed my sins to Him about the affair and all the stuff that goes along with it. I truly believed that at that moment I confessed everything, He forgave me. But I didn't forgive myself. I continued to carry my sin and my shame with me for years.

Lastly, I was brokenhearted because I broke my sacred marriage vows. There is nothing I can do or say that will repair them. I slept with another man. I was in love with another man. I betrayed my husband, my family, my friends and sadly, my God. I could have another ceremony to have a "fresh start," but there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done to fix or undo what I did. I will have to forever live with that choice. It breaks my heart...I am still in awe of how my Husband can take me back and love me as if I did nothing wrong. If anything, I feel like he loves me more. I am beyond blessed by him. He daily amazes me.

 I  earnestly pray that whoever has gone through an affair will have a spouse that will help them  up and brush off the dirt and keep moving forward as if nothing has happened. Let me be very clear, Scott never ignored the problem. We worked on our marriage for years and talked together about what happened..But Scott has never held my mistake over my head. He has never used my sin to manipulate me or belittle me. He has simple forgiven me and moved on. He has such strength and character. I am loved.