The Selfish Monster

Selfish. This word is the root of all evil. Okay, maybe not all evil but selfishness is what caused the down fall of man and woman.

 Genesis 3: 1-7

3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

² The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
⁴ “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
⁶ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. ⁷ Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

The woman wanted to be like God. She was willing to put God's command to not eat the fruit aside to delight in her selfish desires. This is something that boggles my mind. Selfishness was one of the first sins in the Bible. The whole fall of man and the sinful nature that we have inherited from our forefathers and foremothers all started with selfishness. The punishment was harsh but justly given..yet generation after generation the sins we still take part in are that of selfish roots. Why have we not learned? It's so simple. Don't be selfish. But it's our selfishness that causing us heartache and leads us to sin. We covet what we don't have because we are selfish. We horde and keep the earthly possessions we do have, not wanting to share them, because they are ours. We boast about the things we own and what we can do. We need more, want more, buy more..because we are a self-centered people. I am not any type of exception to this rule.

My affair was the most selfish,  act I ever took part in. I wanted love in a way I wasn't getting it. How much easier would it have been for me to confront my husband and simply ask for love the way I needed it. My sinful nature lusted after my selfish heart, which lead me to spiritual death. I don't know of a more selfish act of sin, suicide maybe, but we are not going to touch that topic just yet. I selfishly ruined my marriage bed. I selfishly, yet knowingly, broke my marriage vows. I selfishly put my husband through hell as he was fighting and waiting for me to come back. I selfishly committed sin against God, who despite my sin and selfishness died on the cross for me, knowing that this was going to happen.

Despite the ugliness of my selfish heart, my God sees me as; beautiful, radiant, a princess, clean, loved, honored, treasured, anointed and His beloved. How can I keep this to myself? I will not be selfish with my King, My God.  I will shout his love from the mountain tops. I will write of His love and grace all over my blog. I will spread the joy and peace I have been given, despite of my sin. I admit that I am still swallowed by the ugly and untamed selfishness, that is my sinful nature..but I will fight the remainder of my life to tame this unwanted beast. I will pray with all my might that the evil selfish monster doesn't swallow me again. I beg God and plead with God for the marriages in this world to team together, as man and wife, and tame the selfishness that grabs us so tightly.

Making Up My Mind

My secret was revealed. My husband found out from a friend that I was having an affair with Ozzy. I had tried so long to hide my tracks, keeping the affair a secret for as long as I could. 

Despite the fact that Scott knew about the affair, I still went out Ozzy. I would inform Scott that I was going out and I didn't know what I time I would be back. I was relieved that the secret was out. I wouldn't have to lie anymore. I was not remorseful about my relationship with Ozzy. It felt right. I had no regrets. I loved the person I had become when I was with him. He loved me passionately. I never knew love could feel that way. We talked about what our future would look like. I continued to see Ozzy.

At home, life was unpleasant. I was withdrawn from Scott. I wouldn't let him touch me. In my mind, I knew I needed to stay with Scott. In my heart, I knew I needed to be with Ozzy. I was paralyzed. No matter the choice I made people were going to be hurt. I didn't want the responsibility of hurting someone. I figured if Scott would choose to leave me everything would resolve it's self. BUT Scott chose to fight. The husband that I had known to be emotionally quiet suddenly was wearing his heart on his sleeve. He would tell me how mad he was at Ozzy. He was disappointed in me. He was hurt. He was devastated. My mind was spinning out of control because I was the one who did this to him.

 

 At this point I was getter pressure from both partners to make a decision about what was going to happen next. I felt as if I was sinking in quicksand. My world, in a matter of days, came crumbling down. I needed space to breath. I needed time alone to think without others pressuring me. I sent Scott to his parents house for a week and I told Ozzy that I was going to take the week to make my decision. Both men agreed. I didn't talk to either one of them during that week. I went to work and I came home. 

I didn't know the best way to decide so I tried lots of things. I made a pros and cons list. I made a list of what a future would look like with each person. I cried myself to sleep and agonized over the situation. To take my mind off the problem, I would clean. Scott and I lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I scrubbed every inch of that home trying to shut my mind off. My brain felt like mush and my heart was in pieces. 

I made my choice. I decided that I would have a better life if I left Scott to be with my lover. I was going to ask Scott for a divorce and start my life over. I was sad for the fact that I messed up the marriage. He deserved better. I was excited to have made a choice. I was looking forward to spending a life time with a man who passionately loved me the way I needed to be loved.

I continued to cleaned our apartment. I was dusting the book shelves in the living room. I removed all the items on the top shelf dusted them and the shelf and neatly returned each item to its spot. I moved to the second shelf and was about the remove all the items when I came across a small gift we had received at our wedding. It was a set of scripture cards. I took it in my hand and read the card that was on the front:

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.~Psalm 37:4 "

I fell to the ground, tears streaming down my face, I cried out to God. What was I doing? What have I done? I caused all this to happen all because I was looking for my own desires. Who am I to decide what my desires are?  I was not delighting in the LORD I was running in the opposite direction. I had been running from God, but God was the answer this whole time. I was selfish and living in sin. God put Scott in my life for a reason. God knows my desires better then I could and I wanted to know what God's plan was.

I knew that the road before me was going to be a difficult one. I had to say goodbye to my best friend, lover and soul mate. I had a marriage to mend. I had a lot of explaining to do.

Gaining the Courage

I am fearful. I am nervous. I am afraid of what others will think of me.

 I am gaining the courage to share with my family and friends some amazing things that have been happening in my life. More importantly, I am gaining the courage to share my story with the world. God is placing a desire on my heart to share my story with others in hopes to encourage them, be a support to them and most importantly be a light in dark places. "We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Yes, we have all sinned, but there is a major part of my testimony that has fallen short, has been thrown in the mud and has been buried in my heart for a long long time. A handful of people know the story and the hurt and shame that are tied to it.

The best part of my story is the ending!! My story ends with God's unending grace and love covering my heart and my life from all the shame that I put there. God tore down walls and rebuilt love and life in ways that only He can. That is what I want to share! I want others to see that anything is possible with God. He knows what He is doing! We don't need to fill our hearts with our own desires. When we look for our own desires, we always look in the wrong place or go to the wrong person. But when we delight in the Lord, he will give us the desires of our heart...because really God is the only one who really knows what those desires are. Let me tell you from my own experiences, the desires that God gives are a billion times better then the ones we try to find for ourselves.

Welcome to Immeasurable Grace!

 I will be blogging about my past and the effects it has had on my future. I am being challenged to open up my heart and soul with the world. Each week I invite you to ride along as I give you a small glimpse into my inner struggles. We can travel together into the valleys of my sin and shame; rounding out our hike by climbing the mountains of victory and grace. I am nervous. I am fearful. My passion exceeds all fears and I am ready to be a light in the darkness.