The Selfish Monster

Selfish. This word is the root of all evil. Okay, maybe not all evil but selfishness is what caused the down fall of man and woman.

 Genesis 3: 1-7

3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

² The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
⁴ “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
⁶ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. ⁷ Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

The woman wanted to be like God. She was willing to put God's command to not eat the fruit aside to delight in her selfish desires. This is something that boggles my mind. Selfishness was one of the first sins in the Bible. The whole fall of man and the sinful nature that we have inherited from our forefathers and foremothers all started with selfishness. The punishment was harsh but justly given..yet generation after generation the sins we still take part in are that of selfish roots. Why have we not learned? It's so simple. Don't be selfish. But it's our selfishness that causing us heartache and leads us to sin. We covet what we don't have because we are selfish. We horde and keep the earthly possessions we do have, not wanting to share them, because they are ours. We boast about the things we own and what we can do. We need more, want more, buy more..because we are a self-centered people. I am not any type of exception to this rule.

My affair was the most selfish,  act I ever took part in. I wanted love in a way I wasn't getting it. How much easier would it have been for me to confront my husband and simply ask for love the way I needed it. My sinful nature lusted after my selfish heart, which lead me to spiritual death. I don't know of a more selfish act of sin, suicide maybe, but we are not going to touch that topic just yet. I selfishly ruined my marriage bed. I selfishly, yet knowingly, broke my marriage vows. I selfishly put my husband through hell as he was fighting and waiting for me to come back. I selfishly committed sin against God, who despite my sin and selfishness died on the cross for me, knowing that this was going to happen.

Despite the ugliness of my selfish heart, my God sees me as; beautiful, radiant, a princess, clean, loved, honored, treasured, anointed and His beloved. How can I keep this to myself? I will not be selfish with my King, My God.  I will shout his love from the mountain tops. I will write of His love and grace all over my blog. I will spread the joy and peace I have been given, despite of my sin. I admit that I am still swallowed by the ugly and untamed selfishness, that is my sinful nature..but I will fight the remainder of my life to tame this unwanted beast. I will pray with all my might that the evil selfish monster doesn't swallow me again. I beg God and plead with God for the marriages in this world to team together, as man and wife, and tame the selfishness that grabs us so tightly.

Slow Fade

It is so amazing to me how quickly one can 'fade to gray.' It can happen so quickly. It's actually frightening. Looking back on my affair, that's how it started, a slow fade which continued and grew darker and darker until -I- dug myself a nice deep hole so deep, I couldn't find my way out. Should I go up? Down? I was so far in over my head..I couldn't breath. Dark. Secrets. Death knocking on the door. Not the type of death you may be thinking of. But death of my spirit and soul, turning away from God type of death. My past is so scary to think about. If you have never heard the song by the group Casting Crowns entitled, "Slowfade," please take the time to do a search on you tube..or better yet, here is a link! 'Slowfade' by Casting Crowns

It is a life altering song.

It starts with our daily choices. Daily. I don't know about you, but often, I made spur of the moment decisions, without giving it a thought. That is when the Holy Spirit comes into play. I know I have written about the Holy Spirit before, but it is not something to take lightly.


It's weird, but I am going to quote myself here. My blog post on October 31, 2012 was entitled Holy Spirit and there I wrote the following: "The Holy Spirit is our advocate. He will guide us in truth. In the sin of my affair, I ignored the urges of the Holy Spirit. At first, I could feel the Holy Spirit urging me, putting unrest and guilt in my heart. We are free to make our own choices and I choose to ignore the Holy Spirit. As I continued down the path of sin and shame, it seemed to me that  I was able to tuned-out the voice of the Holy Spirit. I am sure He was still urging me and calling me to turn from my sin. I became callous to my sin and began to justify my behaviors. I deceived myself into thinking that I was doing nothing wrong and I continued to look for validation. I was choosing to disobey God by living in my sin and continuing with my affair. "

We need to be spending time in the word. During my affair, unfortunate, I was not in the word. I was not even open to listening to the word. I had my back to Jesus and was running in the opposite direction. If only I would have been in tune with the Holy Spirit. If only I would have been reading my Bible. If only I would have remembered the price my Jesus paid for me on the cross. If then, I would not have gone down the slippy slope of an affair. If then, I would have been bold and would have fought -FOR- my marriage instead of against it. If then...

The only redeeming factor is my Jesus. My marriage was spared because of my Jesus. My marriage has been rebuild because of my Jesus! My marriage is a gift, a love of second chances because of my Jesus. I can't turn back the clocks and undo my mistakes. I can only treasure the time as we move into the future and count my blessing daily. Giving unending praise and thanks to God for extending grace and love. 

It's a Slow Fade..so be careful...

Living a Double Life

I had gotten myself involved in an emotional affair that turned physical. The more physical we got the deeper the emotional aspect took root in my heart. I was in love with this man and yet, I was still in love with my husband. At this time, my husband, Scott, had no clue about the affair. At first, it was a little tricky for me to cover up any evidence, but as the affair went on, the lies slipped so quickly from my lips that I didn't even have time to realize what I was saying. I was wrapped up so tightly in a double life that it is shocking to me now as I reflect on my past.

Scott and I had opposite schedules at this time in our marriage. This worked well for the affair but was devastating to our marriage. I spent my mornings in class, while Scott was home sleeping. Weekends I had a little more time with Scott in the morning before he had to rush off to work but  I focused my time and energy on my school work. I was studying to become a preschool teacher. I was stressed about student teaching for a second term. I was nervous and a bit uncomfortable about my new role as a wife. I was worried about our fiances. Scott and I would go out together once in a while and have fun. We would take walks or play cards. I was never "in the mood," and often avoided physical contact with Scott. Overall, I was becoming very withdrawn from Scott, but he didn't seem to notice.

I spent the evenings with Ozzy, while Scott was working. I was much more laid back with Ozzy. I didn't have to worry about money, school, or learning to be a wife. I found that when I was with Ozzy, I wore my heart on my sleeve. He was so easy to talk to. He was a great listener and really showed compassion towards the things that were going on in my life. When we were together, we almost always had fun. We went bowling, to the movies, for long walks, shopping, drinking...the list goes on and on. I didn't have  to worry about life and I could let my worries melt away.

I was very good at living in two worlds. I was compartmentalizing my life and it was getting easier and easier. I spent a lot of time thinking about what my life would be like if I would choose to leave Scott.  At first, when I was with Ozzy, I was really careful about the places that we went because I didn't want to bump into someone I knew while I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing. But I didn't spent much time thinking about what would happen if Scott ever found out. As the affair went on, I cared less about who knew my dirty little secret. I confidently held Ozzy's hand as we walked in places that other might see us. And then one day, while Ozzy and I were walking hand in hand at a local shopping mall, it happened. A friend of mine saw us from a distance. My double life was exposed.

Really Bad Decisions

Emotional affair is also known as an affair of the heart. I was caught up in an emotional affair...however, my affair soon crossed into physical affair. At first, we did little things like hold hands, and hug. We made excuses to touch each other on the leg or the back. Our hugs were lasting longer and we started to kiss. At the time, these personal displays of affection didn't seem like I had crossed any line. I was in love with my new lover. I was simply showing him how I felt.

It was summer. Scott was working long hours. I was in love with two men. Scott was still in the dark as to what was going on. I had Scott convinced that  me and the other guy were just friends. He seemed to be okay with that. In fact, the story that I am sharing with you today starts by Scott dropping me off to be with him. (From this point on the man I had the affair will be known as Ozzy.) Ozzy and I had plans to go bowling that night. We went to a local place that had free bowling for those over 21 years of age in hopes that the people would drink. I should mention that as a result of dating Ozzy that I picked up drinking. This night in particular was a night of really bad decisions.

We bowled and drank to the point that I was very drunk. We drove to a friend's house. I called Scott and somehow convinced him that I was staying with these friends. He offered to come and pick me up  but  I told him I was too ashamed and I didn't want him to see me when I was drunk. I didn't want him to be upset with me. (I should have let him pick me up.) If I would have let Scott pick me up the night only would have had one bad choice, drunkenness.

Ozzy and I cuddled on the couch. One thing lead to another and we had sex. At the time, it felt so right. I wanted to show Ozzy how much I cared for him and loved him. After, we laid together, I cried. I can't remember if Ozzy noticed or not. I do remember feeling terrible. This was not something I could take back. No amount of apologizing was going to make it go away. My double life was spinning out of control really fast.

The next morning, I knew Scott had the opening shift at his work and I needed him to grab an outfit, and some toiletries from our house and I would meet him at his work. Ozzy woke up and dropped me off at my husband's place of work. I greeted Scott  with a hug and a kiss as if nothing had happened. I had a terrible hangover and I smelled of cigarette smoke. I sobbed in the bathroom trying to wrap my head around everything that just happened. My head was confused and my heart ached. I pushed the feeling aside as I got cleaned up and dressed for my first day at a new job.

3 Aspects of Sin

Scott and I had been married for about a year before my heart became tainted with love and lust for another man. I was like Eve in the Garden of Eden when the serpent tricked her into thinking she needed the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Genesis 3:1-7:

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,  but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’"

 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.  “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

  When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.  Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

I found while studying the verses above that that are three aspects of sin; good for food, pleasing to the eye, and desirable for gaining wisdom. Satan, the master deceiver, has ways to make forbidden things look good, pleasing and desirable to us. He tricks us into thinking that we need these good and pleasant things that in all actuality will harm us or hurt us. He doesn't care about our well-being. He doesn't care about our souls. He wants us to sin in hopes of tainting our love for God.

 How can something pure as love cause sin?

The devil tricked me into thinking that acceptance from another man was good, a new and fresh relationship was pleasing and  his comfort and passion was desirable.  When I realized that a friendship had slipped into an emotional affair, I was already neck deep. I was passionately and completely in love and it wasn't with my husband. The devil deceived me into thinking that I couldn't live without my lover. I needed his acceptance, passion, and love to breath and live. I believed the lies so much that I almost left my husband to pursue a life of mystery and excitement. I was deceived by the devil.

I fall to my knees each time I think of God's unending love and immeasurable grace.  I sinned. My heart and soul covered by the darkest, thickest slime this world can dish out, my heart, unwashed after being dragged through manure and filth. Disgusting. Broken. Ashamed.

By the grace of God, I found my way out of the slime and filth. I mustered all my strength and crawled to the feet of my loving Father and clung for life. God, without hesitating, called me his child and with open arms, held me close. My grace is sufficient for you. You have been clean and shine like snow. Your sins are no more. You are still my child. God accepts me as clean, pure and beautiful.

Immeasurable Grace

In my life there have been more than a handful of times when God has covered me with His immeasurable grace. During these times in my life, I hardly think that I deserved God's grace and forgiveness. I have made choices in my life that bring me shame. I have made choices in my life that have hurt others. I have made choices in my life that went against my very faith. Yet,  God covers me with his unmeasurable grace. His grace is endless and amazing. He calls me back to his loving arms each and every time regardless of the sins I have committed. Trust me, my sins fall into the "forbidden sins" category.

I had made a choice in my life several years ago that shook my faith and marriage to its very core. I made the choice to share my dreams with another man. I made the choice to share my heart and emotions with another man. I made a choice to defile my marriage bed. I had convinced myself that I was in love. I made myself believe that I was doing nothing wrong because I deserved attention, passionate love, and someone who was emotionally available for me. I made a choice that affected my marriage, my family, my friends, and most importantly my walk with Christ.

God says that we need to confess our sins. I John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sin and purify us from all unrighteousness."

The Bible says that God knows our thoughts and actions before they happen.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

Yet, even with these truths in my heart, I covered my sin and buried it deep in my heart. The affair ended and I made the choice to fight for my marriage. I made the choice to say goodbye to the other man. I also made the choice to keep my face hidden from God. I didn't want God to know what I had done. He already knew, he as just waiting for me to confess my sins. As my marriage and friendships were healing, I was still raw on the inside. My heart and soul ached from the choices that I made. I believed that I was a bad person. I believed that I didn't deserve love. I believed that I didn't deserve forgiveness. I was full of shame and wanted to stay hidden.

My husband took me back with open arms. To this very day, he has never condemned me of my past choices. He has never used my past against me. My husband has only ever loved me. He forgave me and he let it go. I still feel that I am undeserving of his love, but I know that God's hand was protecting our marriage.  Scott forgave me almost immediately, but I struggled for a long time with asking God for forgiveness. I struggled for a longer time working out forgiving myself.

God has covered my sins with His immeasurable grace. God still loves me despite of my past. He died on the cross for all the sins of the world. He has laid it upon my heart to share my story with you. Most importantly, God has laid it on my heart to share about his love and his grace. My marriage would not be what is is today without the hand of God. God helped my husband and I to rebuild and repair our marriage. We have trust. We have faith. We have love. We have passion. We have God.