Living a Double Life

I had gotten myself involved in an emotional affair that turned physical. The more physical we got the deeper the emotional aspect took root in my heart. I was in love with this man and yet, I was still in love with my husband. At this time, my husband, Scott, had no clue about the affair. At first, it was a little tricky for me to cover up any evidence, but as the affair went on, the lies slipped so quickly from my lips that I didn't even have time to realize what I was saying. I was wrapped up so tightly in a double life that it is shocking to me now as I reflect on my past.

Scott and I had opposite schedules at this time in our marriage. This worked well for the affair but was devastating to our marriage. I spent my mornings in class, while Scott was home sleeping. Weekends I had a little more time with Scott in the morning before he had to rush off to work but  I focused my time and energy on my school work. I was studying to become a preschool teacher. I was stressed about student teaching for a second term. I was nervous and a bit uncomfortable about my new role as a wife. I was worried about our fiances. Scott and I would go out together once in a while and have fun. We would take walks or play cards. I was never "in the mood," and often avoided physical contact with Scott. Overall, I was becoming very withdrawn from Scott, but he didn't seem to notice.

I spent the evenings with Ozzy, while Scott was working. I was much more laid back with Ozzy. I didn't have to worry about money, school, or learning to be a wife. I found that when I was with Ozzy, I wore my heart on my sleeve. He was so easy to talk to. He was a great listener and really showed compassion towards the things that were going on in my life. When we were together, we almost always had fun. We went bowling, to the movies, for long walks, shopping, drinking...the list goes on and on. I didn't have  to worry about life and I could let my worries melt away.

I was very good at living in two worlds. I was compartmentalizing my life and it was getting easier and easier. I spent a lot of time thinking about what my life would be like if I would choose to leave Scott.  At first, when I was with Ozzy, I was really careful about the places that we went because I didn't want to bump into someone I knew while I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing. But I didn't spent much time thinking about what would happen if Scott ever found out. As the affair went on, I cared less about who knew my dirty little secret. I confidently held Ozzy's hand as we walked in places that other might see us. And then one day, while Ozzy and I were walking hand in hand at a local shopping mall, it happened. A friend of mine saw us from a distance. My double life was exposed.

3 Aspects of Sin

Scott and I had been married for about a year before my heart became tainted with love and lust for another man. I was like Eve in the Garden of Eden when the serpent tricked her into thinking she needed the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Genesis 3:1-7:

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,  but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’"

 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.  “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

  When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.  Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

I found while studying the verses above that that are three aspects of sin; good for food, pleasing to the eye, and desirable for gaining wisdom. Satan, the master deceiver, has ways to make forbidden things look good, pleasing and desirable to us. He tricks us into thinking that we need these good and pleasant things that in all actuality will harm us or hurt us. He doesn't care about our well-being. He doesn't care about our souls. He wants us to sin in hopes of tainting our love for God.

 How can something pure as love cause sin?

The devil tricked me into thinking that acceptance from another man was good, a new and fresh relationship was pleasing and  his comfort and passion was desirable.  When I realized that a friendship had slipped into an emotional affair, I was already neck deep. I was passionately and completely in love and it wasn't with my husband. The devil deceived me into thinking that I couldn't live without my lover. I needed his acceptance, passion, and love to breath and live. I believed the lies so much that I almost left my husband to pursue a life of mystery and excitement. I was deceived by the devil.

I fall to my knees each time I think of God's unending love and immeasurable grace.  I sinned. My heart and soul covered by the darkest, thickest slime this world can dish out, my heart, unwashed after being dragged through manure and filth. Disgusting. Broken. Ashamed.

By the grace of God, I found my way out of the slime and filth. I mustered all my strength and crawled to the feet of my loving Father and clung for life. God, without hesitating, called me his child and with open arms, held me close. My grace is sufficient for you. You have been clean and shine like snow. Your sins are no more. You are still my child. God accepts me as clean, pure and beautiful.