Slow Fade

It is so amazing to me how quickly one can 'fade to gray.' It can happen so quickly. It's actually frightening. Looking back on my affair, that's how it started, a slow fade which continued and grew darker and darker until -I- dug myself a nice deep hole so deep, I couldn't find my way out. Should I go up? Down? I was so far in over my head..I couldn't breath. Dark. Secrets. Death knocking on the door. Not the type of death you may be thinking of. But death of my spirit and soul, turning away from God type of death. My past is so scary to think about. If you have never heard the song by the group Casting Crowns entitled, "Slowfade," please take the time to do a search on you tube..or better yet, here is a link! 'Slowfade' by Casting Crowns

It is a life altering song.

It starts with our daily choices. Daily. I don't know about you, but often, I made spur of the moment decisions, without giving it a thought. That is when the Holy Spirit comes into play. I know I have written about the Holy Spirit before, but it is not something to take lightly.


It's weird, but I am going to quote myself here. My blog post on October 31, 2012 was entitled Holy Spirit and there I wrote the following: "The Holy Spirit is our advocate. He will guide us in truth. In the sin of my affair, I ignored the urges of the Holy Spirit. At first, I could feel the Holy Spirit urging me, putting unrest and guilt in my heart. We are free to make our own choices and I choose to ignore the Holy Spirit. As I continued down the path of sin and shame, it seemed to me that  I was able to tuned-out the voice of the Holy Spirit. I am sure He was still urging me and calling me to turn from my sin. I became callous to my sin and began to justify my behaviors. I deceived myself into thinking that I was doing nothing wrong and I continued to look for validation. I was choosing to disobey God by living in my sin and continuing with my affair. "

We need to be spending time in the word. During my affair, unfortunate, I was not in the word. I was not even open to listening to the word. I had my back to Jesus and was running in the opposite direction. If only I would have been in tune with the Holy Spirit. If only I would have been reading my Bible. If only I would have remembered the price my Jesus paid for me on the cross. If then, I would not have gone down the slippy slope of an affair. If then, I would have been bold and would have fought -FOR- my marriage instead of against it. If then...

The only redeeming factor is my Jesus. My marriage was spared because of my Jesus. My marriage has been rebuild because of my Jesus! My marriage is a gift, a love of second chances because of my Jesus. I can't turn back the clocks and undo my mistakes. I can only treasure the time as we move into the future and count my blessing daily. Giving unending praise and thanks to God for extending grace and love. 

It's a Slow Fade..so be careful...

Living a Double Life

I had gotten myself involved in an emotional affair that turned physical. The more physical we got the deeper the emotional aspect took root in my heart. I was in love with this man and yet, I was still in love with my husband. At this time, my husband, Scott, had no clue about the affair. At first, it was a little tricky for me to cover up any evidence, but as the affair went on, the lies slipped so quickly from my lips that I didn't even have time to realize what I was saying. I was wrapped up so tightly in a double life that it is shocking to me now as I reflect on my past.

Scott and I had opposite schedules at this time in our marriage. This worked well for the affair but was devastating to our marriage. I spent my mornings in class, while Scott was home sleeping. Weekends I had a little more time with Scott in the morning before he had to rush off to work but  I focused my time and energy on my school work. I was studying to become a preschool teacher. I was stressed about student teaching for a second term. I was nervous and a bit uncomfortable about my new role as a wife. I was worried about our fiances. Scott and I would go out together once in a while and have fun. We would take walks or play cards. I was never "in the mood," and often avoided physical contact with Scott. Overall, I was becoming very withdrawn from Scott, but he didn't seem to notice.

I spent the evenings with Ozzy, while Scott was working. I was much more laid back with Ozzy. I didn't have to worry about money, school, or learning to be a wife. I found that when I was with Ozzy, I wore my heart on my sleeve. He was so easy to talk to. He was a great listener and really showed compassion towards the things that were going on in my life. When we were together, we almost always had fun. We went bowling, to the movies, for long walks, shopping, drinking...the list goes on and on. I didn't have  to worry about life and I could let my worries melt away.

I was very good at living in two worlds. I was compartmentalizing my life and it was getting easier and easier. I spent a lot of time thinking about what my life would be like if I would choose to leave Scott.  At first, when I was with Ozzy, I was really careful about the places that we went because I didn't want to bump into someone I knew while I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing. But I didn't spent much time thinking about what would happen if Scott ever found out. As the affair went on, I cared less about who knew my dirty little secret. I confidently held Ozzy's hand as we walked in places that other might see us. And then one day, while Ozzy and I were walking hand in hand at a local shopping mall, it happened. A friend of mine saw us from a distance. My double life was exposed.

Really Bad Decisions

Emotional affair is also known as an affair of the heart. I was caught up in an emotional affair...however, my affair soon crossed into physical affair. At first, we did little things like hold hands, and hug. We made excuses to touch each other on the leg or the back. Our hugs were lasting longer and we started to kiss. At the time, these personal displays of affection didn't seem like I had crossed any line. I was in love with my new lover. I was simply showing him how I felt.

It was summer. Scott was working long hours. I was in love with two men. Scott was still in the dark as to what was going on. I had Scott convinced that  me and the other guy were just friends. He seemed to be okay with that. In fact, the story that I am sharing with you today starts by Scott dropping me off to be with him. (From this point on the man I had the affair will be known as Ozzy.) Ozzy and I had plans to go bowling that night. We went to a local place that had free bowling for those over 21 years of age in hopes that the people would drink. I should mention that as a result of dating Ozzy that I picked up drinking. This night in particular was a night of really bad decisions.

We bowled and drank to the point that I was very drunk. We drove to a friend's house. I called Scott and somehow convinced him that I was staying with these friends. He offered to come and pick me up  but  I told him I was too ashamed and I didn't want him to see me when I was drunk. I didn't want him to be upset with me. (I should have let him pick me up.) If I would have let Scott pick me up the night only would have had one bad choice, drunkenness.

Ozzy and I cuddled on the couch. One thing lead to another and we had sex. At the time, it felt so right. I wanted to show Ozzy how much I cared for him and loved him. After, we laid together, I cried. I can't remember if Ozzy noticed or not. I do remember feeling terrible. This was not something I could take back. No amount of apologizing was going to make it go away. My double life was spinning out of control really fast.

The next morning, I knew Scott had the opening shift at his work and I needed him to grab an outfit, and some toiletries from our house and I would meet him at his work. Ozzy woke up and dropped me off at my husband's place of work. I greeted Scott  with a hug and a kiss as if nothing had happened. I had a terrible hangover and I smelled of cigarette smoke. I sobbed in the bathroom trying to wrap my head around everything that just happened. My head was confused and my heart ached. I pushed the feeling aside as I got cleaned up and dressed for my first day at a new job.