Slow Fade

It is so amazing to me how quickly one can 'fade to gray.' It can happen so quickly. It's actually frightening. Looking back on my affair, that's how it started, a slow fade which continued and grew darker and darker until -I- dug myself a nice deep hole so deep, I couldn't find my way out. Should I go up? Down? I was so far in over my head..I couldn't breath. Dark. Secrets. Death knocking on the door. Not the type of death you may be thinking of. But death of my spirit and soul, turning away from God type of death. My past is so scary to think about. If you have never heard the song by the group Casting Crowns entitled, "Slowfade," please take the time to do a search on you tube..or better yet, here is a link! 'Slowfade' by Casting Crowns

It is a life altering song.

It starts with our daily choices. Daily. I don't know about you, but often, I made spur of the moment decisions, without giving it a thought. That is when the Holy Spirit comes into play. I know I have written about the Holy Spirit before, but it is not something to take lightly.


It's weird, but I am going to quote myself here. My blog post on October 31, 2012 was entitled Holy Spirit and there I wrote the following: "The Holy Spirit is our advocate. He will guide us in truth. In the sin of my affair, I ignored the urges of the Holy Spirit. At first, I could feel the Holy Spirit urging me, putting unrest and guilt in my heart. We are free to make our own choices and I choose to ignore the Holy Spirit. As I continued down the path of sin and shame, it seemed to me that  I was able to tuned-out the voice of the Holy Spirit. I am sure He was still urging me and calling me to turn from my sin. I became callous to my sin and began to justify my behaviors. I deceived myself into thinking that I was doing nothing wrong and I continued to look for validation. I was choosing to disobey God by living in my sin and continuing with my affair. "

We need to be spending time in the word. During my affair, unfortunate, I was not in the word. I was not even open to listening to the word. I had my back to Jesus and was running in the opposite direction. If only I would have been in tune with the Holy Spirit. If only I would have been reading my Bible. If only I would have remembered the price my Jesus paid for me on the cross. If then, I would not have gone down the slippy slope of an affair. If then, I would have been bold and would have fought -FOR- my marriage instead of against it. If then...

The only redeeming factor is my Jesus. My marriage was spared because of my Jesus. My marriage has been rebuild because of my Jesus! My marriage is a gift, a love of second chances because of my Jesus. I can't turn back the clocks and undo my mistakes. I can only treasure the time as we move into the future and count my blessing daily. Giving unending praise and thanks to God for extending grace and love. 

It's a Slow Fade..so be careful...

Punishment for the Crime.

Now as an adult I sometimes struggle with discipline. I often wonder if God disciplines us? He is a loving God. He is a gracious God. What would his punishment look like?

Hebrews 12: 4-11

God Disciplines His Children

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 

 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son?

  It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,

and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

Endure hardship as discipline; 

God is treating you as his children.

 For what children are not disciplined by their father?

 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.

 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. 

How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 

 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best;

 but God disciplines us for our good, 

in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it produces a harvest of 

righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Soon after the affair ended and Scott and I started rebuilding our marriage, I started having health issues. Serious health issues. After some testing I was told that I would not be able to get pregnant. Scott and I had not started trying at this point. We were focusing our marriage and knew, that for us, we would be waiting a while before we would start having a family. We, of course, wanted to eventually have babies. So this news was very hard to take.

I immediately deemed the news from the doctors as a form of punishment from God. It was some how a punishment to my sinful living. It was because I had ruined my marriage bed. The Bible tells us in Hebrews that the Lord disciplines those he loves. It was settled that I was being punished.

Several years down the road, Scott and I decided to start trying to have a baby. It took us several years to conceive, but soon after we found out we were expecting, we had a miscarriage. The doctor told me that my uterus was not conducive to caring. We were crushed.

I struggled for a long while with anger towards God. Why would he punish me for my affair by withholding children from Scott? I was so furious. I did not want to believe that God was loving and gracious. He was unleashing his power and wrath on me and my uterus. It took me several months to finally except that I deserved to be punished for my sin and that if God indeed felt that I shouldn't have babies then so be it. It was a fitting punishment for the crime I had committed.

However, as I look back at this story in my life..I can now clearly see that God was not using my health as a punishment. I also have learned that Punishment is too harsh a word. God doesn't "punish" us he disciplines us. There is a big difference between the words. In my naivety I was using the words interchangeable.

The dictionary defines the words as follows:

Punishment

 

1.the act of punishing.

2.the fact of being punished, as for an offense or fault.

3.a penalty inflicted for an offense, fault, etc.

4.severe handling or treatment.

Discipline

1.training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.

2.activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.

3.punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.

4.the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.: the harsh discipline of poverty.

5.behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army.

I found that there is a settle difference between the two.

I have learned from my past that the Lord does indeed discipline us for sinning. God does not discipline us with retribution. He is not a detached, ruthless or unemotional God who wants to make us pay for what we did. Indeed Not. Our Lord is loving and caring. He loves us. We are his children. Just as I would train my young children, the Lord loving and gently guides and corrects us. He has high standard for us. He wants us to be Holy just as he is holy.

I also found an article from Gotquestions.org that made this point,
"God will use testing, trails and various predicaments to bring us back to himself in repentance. The results of his discipline is stronger faith and a rewarding relationship with God, but most importantly to destroy the hold of that particular sin over us."

I agree with this statement. After the affair ended Scott and I were in the mist of a marital emergency. We endured testing as we rebuild our marriage. But though the lessons we learned out faith has been strengthened and we matured together as our character was being shaped and molded by the Lord. The sin of of my affair was removed by the Lord. He has wiped out my iniquity and I am made anew!! I have learned my lesson as far as the disciple goes. With the help of the Lord, I have destroyed the hold that the infidelity had on my life. I am still dealing with the consequences, but that's another topic.

The Brokenhearted

I had a broken heart. It literally felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest, still pumping, as a huge hole was made. The hole is everything I thought love was. I cannot stress enough how much I was in love with Ozzy. I was ready to leave my husband for him. He was my world. He made me happy. He really showed me what love was. I was very selfish. I think anyone who has an affair is selfish. But I wasn't thinking about Scott or how to fix my marriage at first. Let me explain my brokenness.

First of all, the love of my life was gone..and it was my choice. I had a revelation from God that I was to be with Scott. I said goodbye to Ozzy even though my heart longed for him. My heart was craving him and wanting him more and more. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder..and for a long while it was true. I don't know how Scott put up with me crying because I was missing Ozzy.  I was in mourning over the loss of our friendship and love.. One of the amazing things about my husband is that he is very compassionate. He held me as my body shook from sobbing. I told Scott about my dreams involving Ozzy. If I would have been in Scott's shoes, I don't think I could have handled it. I think I would be like, if you love him so much then go be with him and stop crying...

Secondly, I was heartbroken over the choices that I made. I sinned against my God.  I Lied. I cheated. I was manipulative. I did some really, really bad things. I made really poor choices. I know that the Lord knows everything. He knows our thoughts and our deeds before we even do them. It took me the longest time to confess my sins to God. I bartered with him, telling him that He already knew everything so why did I have to say it. It was a terrible inner struggle that I faced. But of course God always wins...and I finally confessed my sins to Him about the affair and all the stuff that goes along with it. I truly believed that at that moment I confessed everything, He forgave me. But I didn't forgive myself. I continued to carry my sin and my shame with me for years.

Lastly, I was brokenhearted because I broke my sacred marriage vows. There is nothing I can do or say that will repair them. I slept with another man. I was in love with another man. I betrayed my husband, my family, my friends and sadly, my God. I could have another ceremony to have a "fresh start," but there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done to fix or undo what I did. I will have to forever live with that choice. It breaks my heart...I am still in awe of how my Husband can take me back and love me as if I did nothing wrong. If anything, I feel like he loves me more. I am beyond blessed by him. He daily amazes me.

 I  earnestly pray that whoever has gone through an affair will have a spouse that will help them  up and brush off the dirt and keep moving forward as if nothing has happened. Let me be very clear, Scott never ignored the problem. We worked on our marriage for years and talked together about what happened..But Scott has never held my mistake over my head. He has never used my sin to manipulate me or belittle me. He has simple forgiven me and moved on. He has such strength and character. I am loved.

Gaining the Courage

I am fearful. I am nervous. I am afraid of what others will think of me.

 I am gaining the courage to share with my family and friends some amazing things that have been happening in my life. More importantly, I am gaining the courage to share my story with the world. God is placing a desire on my heart to share my story with others in hopes to encourage them, be a support to them and most importantly be a light in dark places. "We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Yes, we have all sinned, but there is a major part of my testimony that has fallen short, has been thrown in the mud and has been buried in my heart for a long long time. A handful of people know the story and the hurt and shame that are tied to it.

The best part of my story is the ending!! My story ends with God's unending grace and love covering my heart and my life from all the shame that I put there. God tore down walls and rebuilt love and life in ways that only He can. That is what I want to share! I want others to see that anything is possible with God. He knows what He is doing! We don't need to fill our hearts with our own desires. When we look for our own desires, we always look in the wrong place or go to the wrong person. But when we delight in the Lord, he will give us the desires of our heart...because really God is the only one who really knows what those desires are. Let me tell you from my own experiences, the desires that God gives are a billion times better then the ones we try to find for ourselves.

Welcome to Immeasurable Grace!

 I will be blogging about my past and the effects it has had on my future. I am being challenged to open up my heart and soul with the world. Each week I invite you to ride along as I give you a small glimpse into my inner struggles. We can travel together into the valleys of my sin and shame; rounding out our hike by climbing the mountains of victory and grace. I am nervous. I am fearful. My passion exceeds all fears and I am ready to be a light in the darkness.