No Regrets

Back when the affair happened and in fact just ended, I had not regrets. I felt that I deserved to receive love and if I wasn't getting my needs met by my husband than I should have them met by someone else...Selfish, I know. Reflecting back on this sad notion, I believe that is why I had the hardest time with leaving Ozzy. I mourned his loss for a very long time. In fact, to this very day, my heart still feels like there is a hole. That is one of the terrible consequences from participating in an affair...the grief and sadness you feel, five and ten years down the road. It takes the heart a long time to heal. I try to fill that hole with the love of my Lord, because he, and only he can fill me up and be my everything. It isn't an easy task. It takes perseverance and a lot of correction to always place God in the void.

I can now say, that I regret everything. I regret spending time with a man who was not my husband. I regret spilling my heart over to him. I regret sharing my dreams. I regret holding his hand. I regret kissing him. I regret day dreaming about him. I regret sleeping with him. I regret everything.  Honestly I feel sad to say these things. They feel so mean and hurtful if Ozzy was ever to come across this. But it is the truth. My relationship with God is my first priority with my life followed closely with my relationship with my husband. My action with Ozzy, hurt and has tormented me for years. My actions with Ozzy destroyed my relationship with my husband and cut me off from God for a time. I regret it.

The dictionary defines regret as:

re·gret

  [ri-gret]  Show IPA verb, re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, noun

verb (used with object)

1.

to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regrettedit.

2.

to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

noun

3.

a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4.

a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

5.

regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets.

6.

a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret." 

I do feel remorse for my actions. I am sad that it took so long to really deal with my emotions and feelings of entitlement. But By nature, I am a sinful person. I have had several chats with my husband about the feelings that have accompanied the affair. He understands and encourages me, which to this day just blows my mind. I have been blessed with a great man who forgives me and loves me still. Scott is and has been patient with me as new feelings have surfaced from my writings. He is such a great encouragement to me...and then to think how much more God loves me and forgives me, is just mind boggling. I praise God for blotting out my sin and revealing to me that I needed to get out of the affair. I praise God for the opportunity to rebuild my marriage. I praise God for the removal of my sackcloth and clothing me in joy!! (Psalm 30) I believe I still have a long road ahead of me as I deal with the unique layers of emotion from my past and ones yet to appear as I write and reveal my heart.

The Brokenhearted

I had a broken heart. It literally felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest, still pumping, as a huge hole was made. The hole is everything I thought love was. I cannot stress enough how much I was in love with Ozzy. I was ready to leave my husband for him. He was my world. He made me happy. He really showed me what love was. I was very selfish. I think anyone who has an affair is selfish. But I wasn't thinking about Scott or how to fix my marriage at first. Let me explain my brokenness.

First of all, the love of my life was gone..and it was my choice. I had a revelation from God that I was to be with Scott. I said goodbye to Ozzy even though my heart longed for him. My heart was craving him and wanting him more and more. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder..and for a long while it was true. I don't know how Scott put up with me crying because I was missing Ozzy.  I was in mourning over the loss of our friendship and love.. One of the amazing things about my husband is that he is very compassionate. He held me as my body shook from sobbing. I told Scott about my dreams involving Ozzy. If I would have been in Scott's shoes, I don't think I could have handled it. I think I would be like, if you love him so much then go be with him and stop crying...

Secondly, I was heartbroken over the choices that I made. I sinned against my God.  I Lied. I cheated. I was manipulative. I did some really, really bad things. I made really poor choices. I know that the Lord knows everything. He knows our thoughts and our deeds before we even do them. It took me the longest time to confess my sins to God. I bartered with him, telling him that He already knew everything so why did I have to say it. It was a terrible inner struggle that I faced. But of course God always wins...and I finally confessed my sins to Him about the affair and all the stuff that goes along with it. I truly believed that at that moment I confessed everything, He forgave me. But I didn't forgive myself. I continued to carry my sin and my shame with me for years.

Lastly, I was brokenhearted because I broke my sacred marriage vows. There is nothing I can do or say that will repair them. I slept with another man. I was in love with another man. I betrayed my husband, my family, my friends and sadly, my God. I could have another ceremony to have a "fresh start," but there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done to fix or undo what I did. I will have to forever live with that choice. It breaks my heart...I am still in awe of how my Husband can take me back and love me as if I did nothing wrong. If anything, I feel like he loves me more. I am beyond blessed by him. He daily amazes me.

 I  earnestly pray that whoever has gone through an affair will have a spouse that will help them  up and brush off the dirt and keep moving forward as if nothing has happened. Let me be very clear, Scott never ignored the problem. We worked on our marriage for years and talked together about what happened..But Scott has never held my mistake over my head. He has never used my sin to manipulate me or belittle me. He has simple forgiven me and moved on. He has such strength and character. I am loved.

Gratitude Jouranal Entry # 21, 22, 23, 24

    I have not gotten this far in my story yet, but It came to mind today. 2012 was a very difficult year for me, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I had just become Mom to my second children on November the previous year. She had me on bed rest and for just over 2 months. I was adjusting to mothering two and gaining my freedom back. She had wanted to come early and had me on Bed rest for just over 2 months before she was born. In January of 2012 I had back surgery. I went back to work in the late spring and lost my job a couple months later. At the end of the summer I had my gallbladder removed...it was a hard year for me. Later in the fall I was diagnosed with depression. I started meeting with a Christian therapist who has been wonderful. I am grateful for all that I have endured (#21). If it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger right?!!

What I realized this morning hit me like a ton of bricks. I have taken my husband for granted in the worst way. While I was on bed rest and undergoing my procedures...my husband was the one who was in charge of EVERYTHING. When I say everything I mean it. We had family and friends help with the kids and occasionally coming over to clean and bring meals..and I want them all to know that I appreciate everything they helped with (#22)!!

My hubby, cleaned the dishes, washed the bathroom, did the laundry, cooked the meals, took the kids to where they needed to be. He went to the store for food and household items. He washed the floors and vacuumed. He sorted the mail and paid the bills. He cheered me up and encouraged me. He made me smile and told me everything would be okay. He was my support. He took me to all my appointments..which were quite often. He worked lots of overtime. He did so much. I am so grateful for all that he did (#23)!

I didn’t realize till this morning that I took him for grated. He did so much. I am now a stay at home mom and the house is falling apart. This morning, I swear every dish that we own was dirty on the counter. That is when it hit me. The two little kids were running around, pulling out things they shouldn’t have been. They were yelling and fighting back and forth over toys. I stood at the sink and decided to power through the mess. Then it hit me. Scott had to do all this. But he also had to deal with my whining, almost like another child that needed help. I am sure that I said thank you to him a millions times back then, but I wanted him to really know how I felt. so, I called him this morning at work and let him know how much I appreciated everything he had done for me over the past year.

We have been talking about having another baby..but Scott really doesn’t want to go through that again and I can now understand. He must have had a tremendous weight on his shoulders, plus the fears of having a preterm baby, or his wife dying. He is an amazing man and I took hm for granted...shame on me. I am so blessed beyond all measure that my Lord and Savior gave me such an amazing gift, that is my husband, my best friend and my soul mate (#24)!

The Honeymoon and the Hermit

Scott and I had relocated. Call it what you will, but the move changed our life, for the better. We entered what the experts call, a second honeymoon phase. Just for the record, an affair doesn't make this happen any faster or different for anyone. Relationships are cyclical..having highs and lows. The highs come when both partners are willing to work on the marriage with every fiber of their being. God was placed once again as the center of our marriage and I believe that a second honeymoon was a blessing from the Lord. He knew what we needed to reconnect and refocus on Him and each other.

After the big move, Scott and I worked, and worked, with blood, sweat and tears to repair our broken and fractured marriage. We were diligent in working to make new memories together. We began opening up to one another again. We rebuilt trust. We shared our new hopes and dreams with one another. It really was a beautiful and happy time for us. It was real. Our love was absolute and it felt great!

I was on cloud nine. Our second honeymoon for 2-3 years.  I was getting reacquainted with the man I had once married. I remember being so shocked and dumbfounded as I really got to know Scott. I guess the things I saw in Ozzy were things that Scott lacked, but I was wrong. I had never taken the time to search for them in my husband. We were falling in love with each other all over again.

Being in the honeymoon phase you are completely focused on each other and often push out the "real world, " including friends and family. And that is what happened to us. We got together with people but we were so focused on each other that I never stopped for one moment to think about how others were viewing us. To no surprise, we were the big news I am sure in many circles. We heard the many rumors that were going around as the story leaked out..most of the information that came back to us was of course, very far from the truth.

On one particular day, I was hit, square in the face by this notion.


Scott and I were invited to a friends house for dinner. These friends knew our history, the actual facts, and in my mind they didn't judge me for my sins...BUT I was shocked by a single sentence that was said at the dinner table..

"How are you guys doing?" that was the questions..I was relieved that they cared for the well being of our relationship. I was awestruck that they had to courage to ask how we were doing..we needed accountability..I think everyone needs accountability.

I honestly answered the questions, "We are doing great. We are in like another honeymoon phase or something and our relationship is really healing."

Then it hit me..."Well, it might look good from the outside."

 The reply to my response shook my world to the core. It actually took everything within me to not get up and leave the house. I fought back tears..This was the first time I began to freak out about what others thought. Obviously others were thinking that we were fake on the outside..we were never going to be okay..these thoughts poisoned my mind and my heart..and I quickly became a hermit. I was scared to death to face the reality of what others thought of us..of me.

My Gratitude Journal

I am starting my series called My Gratitude Journal! 

In Colossians 3:15-18 the bible says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Psalm 100 
 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
     Worship the Lord with gladness;
    come before him with joyful songs.
 Know that the Lord is God.
    It is he who made us, and we are his;
    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

 Each Thursday for the next year, I will be writing an entry into my Gratitude Journal here on this blog, something I am grateful to have in my life, big or little.  I challenge you to join me. Feel free to leave a comment each week to share the things you are thankful for! You can start your own gratitude journal by grabbing a notebook and writing down one thing you are grateful for each week.



Gratitude Journal Entry #1:
  Thank you God for this opportunity to share my story. Blogs and other social networks are a great platform for sharing my story with others. I am thankful for the experience of blogging and the feedback I have already received. Thank you for blessing me with courage and strength as I share my story with the world.