I can now say, that I regret everything. I regret spending time with a man who was not my husband. I regret spilling my heart over to him. I regret sharing my dreams. I regret holding his hand. I regret kissing him. I regret day dreaming about him. I regret sleeping with him. I regret everything. Honestly I feel sad to say these things. They feel so mean and hurtful if Ozzy was ever to come across this. But it is the truth. My relationship with God is my first priority with my life followed closely with my relationship with my husband. My action with Ozzy, hurt and has tormented me for years. My actions with Ozzy destroyed my relationship with my husband and cut me off from God for a time. I regret it.
The dictionary defines regret as:
re·gret[ri-gret] Show IPA verb, re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, noun
verb (used with object)
to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regrettedit.
to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.
a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.
regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets.
a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret."
I do feel remorse for my actions. I am sad that it took so long to really deal with my emotions and feelings of entitlement. But By nature, I am a sinful person. I have had several chats with my husband about the feelings that have accompanied the affair. He understands and encourages me, which to this day just blows my mind. I have been blessed with a great man who forgives me and loves me still. Scott is and has been patient with me as new feelings have surfaced from my writings. He is such a great encouragement to me...and then to think how much more God loves me and forgives me, is just mind boggling. I praise God for blotting out my sin and revealing to me that I needed to get out of the affair. I praise God for the opportunity to rebuild my marriage. I praise God for the removal of my sackcloth and clothing me in joy!! (Psalm 30) I believe I still have a long road ahead of me as I deal with the unique layers of emotion from my past and ones yet to appear as I write and reveal my heart.