It is so amazing to me how quickly one can 'fade to gray.' It can happen so quickly. It's actually frightening. Looking back on my affair, that's how it started, a slow fade which continued and grew darker and darker until -I- dug myself a nice deep hole so deep, I couldn't find my way out. Should I go up? Down? I was so far in over my head..I couldn't breath. Dark. Secrets. Death knocking on the door. Not the type of death you may be thinking of. But death of my spirit and soul, turning away from God type of death. My past is so scary to think about. If you have never heard the song by the group Casting Crowns entitled, "Slowfade," please take the time to do a search on you tube..or better yet, here is a link! 'Slowfade' by Casting Crowns
It is a life altering song.
It starts with our daily choices. Daily. I don't know about you, but often, I made spur of the moment decisions, without giving it a thought. That is when the Holy Spirit comes into play. I know I have written about the Holy Spirit before, but it is not something to take lightly.
It's weird, but I am going to quote myself here. My blog post on October 31, 2012 was entitled Holy Spirit and there I wrote the following: "The Holy Spirit is our
advocate. He will guide us in truth. In the sin of my affair, I ignored
the urges of the Holy Spirit. At first, I could feel the Holy Spirit
urging me, putting unrest and guilt in my heart. We are free to make our
own choices and I choose to ignore the Holy Spirit. As I continued down
the path of sin and shame, it seemed to me that I was able to tuned-out
the voice of the Holy Spirit. I am sure He was still urging me and
calling me to turn from my sin. I became callous to my sin and began to
justify my behaviors. I deceived myself into thinking that I was doing
nothing wrong and I continued to look for validation. I was choosing to
disobey God by living in my sin and continuing with my affair. "
We need to be spending time in the word. During my affair, unfortunate, I was not in the word. I was not even open to listening to the word. I had my back to Jesus and was running in the opposite direction. If only I would have been in tune with the Holy Spirit. If only I would have been reading my Bible. If only I would have remembered the price my Jesus paid for me on the cross. If then, I would not have gone down the slippy slope of an affair. If then, I would have been bold and would have fought -FOR- my marriage instead of against it. If then...
The only redeeming factor is my Jesus. My marriage was spared because of my Jesus. My marriage has been rebuild because of my Jesus! My marriage is a gift, a love of second chances because of my Jesus. I can't turn back the clocks and undo my mistakes. I can only treasure the time as we move into the future and count my blessing daily. Giving unending praise and thanks to God for extending grace and love.
It's a Slow Fade..so be careful...