Slow Fade

It is so amazing to me how quickly one can 'fade to gray.' It can happen so quickly. It's actually frightening. Looking back on my affair, that's how it started, a slow fade which continued and grew darker and darker until -I- dug myself a nice deep hole so deep, I couldn't find my way out. Should I go up? Down? I was so far in over my head..I couldn't breath. Dark. Secrets. Death knocking on the door. Not the type of death you may be thinking of. But death of my spirit and soul, turning away from God type of death. My past is so scary to think about. If you have never heard the song by the group Casting Crowns entitled, "Slowfade," please take the time to do a search on you tube..or better yet, here is a link! 'Slowfade' by Casting Crowns

It is a life altering song.

It starts with our daily choices. Daily. I don't know about you, but often, I made spur of the moment decisions, without giving it a thought. That is when the Holy Spirit comes into play. I know I have written about the Holy Spirit before, but it is not something to take lightly.


It's weird, but I am going to quote myself here. My blog post on October 31, 2012 was entitled Holy Spirit and there I wrote the following: "The Holy Spirit is our advocate. He will guide us in truth. In the sin of my affair, I ignored the urges of the Holy Spirit. At first, I could feel the Holy Spirit urging me, putting unrest and guilt in my heart. We are free to make our own choices and I choose to ignore the Holy Spirit. As I continued down the path of sin and shame, it seemed to me that  I was able to tuned-out the voice of the Holy Spirit. I am sure He was still urging me and calling me to turn from my sin. I became callous to my sin and began to justify my behaviors. I deceived myself into thinking that I was doing nothing wrong and I continued to look for validation. I was choosing to disobey God by living in my sin and continuing with my affair. "

We need to be spending time in the word. During my affair, unfortunate, I was not in the word. I was not even open to listening to the word. I had my back to Jesus and was running in the opposite direction. If only I would have been in tune with the Holy Spirit. If only I would have been reading my Bible. If only I would have remembered the price my Jesus paid for me on the cross. If then, I would not have gone down the slippy slope of an affair. If then, I would have been bold and would have fought -FOR- my marriage instead of against it. If then...

The only redeeming factor is my Jesus. My marriage was spared because of my Jesus. My marriage has been rebuild because of my Jesus! My marriage is a gift, a love of second chances because of my Jesus. I can't turn back the clocks and undo my mistakes. I can only treasure the time as we move into the future and count my blessing daily. Giving unending praise and thanks to God for extending grace and love. 

It's a Slow Fade..so be careful...

The Brokenhearted

I had a broken heart. It literally felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest, still pumping, as a huge hole was made. The hole is everything I thought love was. I cannot stress enough how much I was in love with Ozzy. I was ready to leave my husband for him. He was my world. He made me happy. He really showed me what love was. I was very selfish. I think anyone who has an affair is selfish. But I wasn't thinking about Scott or how to fix my marriage at first. Let me explain my brokenness.

First of all, the love of my life was gone..and it was my choice. I had a revelation from God that I was to be with Scott. I said goodbye to Ozzy even though my heart longed for him. My heart was craving him and wanting him more and more. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder..and for a long while it was true. I don't know how Scott put up with me crying because I was missing Ozzy.  I was in mourning over the loss of our friendship and love.. One of the amazing things about my husband is that he is very compassionate. He held me as my body shook from sobbing. I told Scott about my dreams involving Ozzy. If I would have been in Scott's shoes, I don't think I could have handled it. I think I would be like, if you love him so much then go be with him and stop crying...

Secondly, I was heartbroken over the choices that I made. I sinned against my God.  I Lied. I cheated. I was manipulative. I did some really, really bad things. I made really poor choices. I know that the Lord knows everything. He knows our thoughts and our deeds before we even do them. It took me the longest time to confess my sins to God. I bartered with him, telling him that He already knew everything so why did I have to say it. It was a terrible inner struggle that I faced. But of course God always wins...and I finally confessed my sins to Him about the affair and all the stuff that goes along with it. I truly believed that at that moment I confessed everything, He forgave me. But I didn't forgive myself. I continued to carry my sin and my shame with me for years.

Lastly, I was brokenhearted because I broke my sacred marriage vows. There is nothing I can do or say that will repair them. I slept with another man. I was in love with another man. I betrayed my husband, my family, my friends and sadly, my God. I could have another ceremony to have a "fresh start," but there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done to fix or undo what I did. I will have to forever live with that choice. It breaks my heart...I am still in awe of how my Husband can take me back and love me as if I did nothing wrong. If anything, I feel like he loves me more. I am beyond blessed by him. He daily amazes me.

 I  earnestly pray that whoever has gone through an affair will have a spouse that will help them  up and brush off the dirt and keep moving forward as if nothing has happened. Let me be very clear, Scott never ignored the problem. We worked on our marriage for years and talked together about what happened..But Scott has never held my mistake over my head. He has never used my sin to manipulate me or belittle me. He has simple forgiven me and moved on. He has such strength and character. I am loved.

Gratitude Jouranal Entry # 21, 22, 23, 24

    I have not gotten this far in my story yet, but It came to mind today. 2012 was a very difficult year for me, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I had just become Mom to my second children on November the previous year. She had me on bed rest and for just over 2 months. I was adjusting to mothering two and gaining my freedom back. She had wanted to come early and had me on Bed rest for just over 2 months before she was born. In January of 2012 I had back surgery. I went back to work in the late spring and lost my job a couple months later. At the end of the summer I had my gallbladder removed...it was a hard year for me. Later in the fall I was diagnosed with depression. I started meeting with a Christian therapist who has been wonderful. I am grateful for all that I have endured (#21). If it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger right?!!

What I realized this morning hit me like a ton of bricks. I have taken my husband for granted in the worst way. While I was on bed rest and undergoing my procedures...my husband was the one who was in charge of EVERYTHING. When I say everything I mean it. We had family and friends help with the kids and occasionally coming over to clean and bring meals..and I want them all to know that I appreciate everything they helped with (#22)!!

My hubby, cleaned the dishes, washed the bathroom, did the laundry, cooked the meals, took the kids to where they needed to be. He went to the store for food and household items. He washed the floors and vacuumed. He sorted the mail and paid the bills. He cheered me up and encouraged me. He made me smile and told me everything would be okay. He was my support. He took me to all my appointments..which were quite often. He worked lots of overtime. He did so much. I am so grateful for all that he did (#23)!

I didn’t realize till this morning that I took him for grated. He did so much. I am now a stay at home mom and the house is falling apart. This morning, I swear every dish that we own was dirty on the counter. That is when it hit me. The two little kids were running around, pulling out things they shouldn’t have been. They were yelling and fighting back and forth over toys. I stood at the sink and decided to power through the mess. Then it hit me. Scott had to do all this. But he also had to deal with my whining, almost like another child that needed help. I am sure that I said thank you to him a millions times back then, but I wanted him to really know how I felt. so, I called him this morning at work and let him know how much I appreciated everything he had done for me over the past year.

We have been talking about having another baby..but Scott really doesn’t want to go through that again and I can now understand. He must have had a tremendous weight on his shoulders, plus the fears of having a preterm baby, or his wife dying. He is an amazing man and I took hm for granted...shame on me. I am so blessed beyond all measure that my Lord and Savior gave me such an amazing gift, that is my husband, my best friend and my soul mate (#24)!

My Gratitude Journal

I am starting my series called My Gratitude Journal! 

In Colossians 3:15-18 the bible says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Psalm 100 
 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
     Worship the Lord with gladness;
    come before him with joyful songs.
 Know that the Lord is God.
    It is he who made us, and we are his;
    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

 Each Thursday for the next year, I will be writing an entry into my Gratitude Journal here on this blog, something I am grateful to have in my life, big or little.  I challenge you to join me. Feel free to leave a comment each week to share the things you are thankful for! You can start your own gratitude journal by grabbing a notebook and writing down one thing you are grateful for each week.



Gratitude Journal Entry #1:
  Thank you God for this opportunity to share my story. Blogs and other social networks are a great platform for sharing my story with others. I am thankful for the experience of blogging and the feedback I have already received. Thank you for blessing me with courage and strength as I share my story with the world.