The Brokenhearted

I had a broken heart. It literally felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest, still pumping, as a huge hole was made. The hole is everything I thought love was. I cannot stress enough how much I was in love with Ozzy. I was ready to leave my husband for him. He was my world. He made me happy. He really showed me what love was. I was very selfish. I think anyone who has an affair is selfish. But I wasn't thinking about Scott or how to fix my marriage at first. Let me explain my brokenness.

First of all, the love of my life was gone..and it was my choice. I had a revelation from God that I was to be with Scott. I said goodbye to Ozzy even though my heart longed for him. My heart was craving him and wanting him more and more. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder..and for a long while it was true. I don't know how Scott put up with me crying because I was missing Ozzy.  I was in mourning over the loss of our friendship and love.. One of the amazing things about my husband is that he is very compassionate. He held me as my body shook from sobbing. I told Scott about my dreams involving Ozzy. If I would have been in Scott's shoes, I don't think I could have handled it. I think I would be like, if you love him so much then go be with him and stop crying...

Secondly, I was heartbroken over the choices that I made. I sinned against my God.  I Lied. I cheated. I was manipulative. I did some really, really bad things. I made really poor choices. I know that the Lord knows everything. He knows our thoughts and our deeds before we even do them. It took me the longest time to confess my sins to God. I bartered with him, telling him that He already knew everything so why did I have to say it. It was a terrible inner struggle that I faced. But of course God always wins...and I finally confessed my sins to Him about the affair and all the stuff that goes along with it. I truly believed that at that moment I confessed everything, He forgave me. But I didn't forgive myself. I continued to carry my sin and my shame with me for years.

Lastly, I was brokenhearted because I broke my sacred marriage vows. There is nothing I can do or say that will repair them. I slept with another man. I was in love with another man. I betrayed my husband, my family, my friends and sadly, my God. I could have another ceremony to have a "fresh start," but there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done to fix or undo what I did. I will have to forever live with that choice. It breaks my heart...I am still in awe of how my Husband can take me back and love me as if I did nothing wrong. If anything, I feel like he loves me more. I am beyond blessed by him. He daily amazes me.

 I  earnestly pray that whoever has gone through an affair will have a spouse that will help them  up and brush off the dirt and keep moving forward as if nothing has happened. Let me be very clear, Scott never ignored the problem. We worked on our marriage for years and talked together about what happened..But Scott has never held my mistake over my head. He has never used my sin to manipulate me or belittle me. He has simple forgiven me and moved on. He has such strength and character. I am loved.

The Honeymoon and the Hermit

Scott and I had relocated. Call it what you will, but the move changed our life, for the better. We entered what the experts call, a second honeymoon phase. Just for the record, an affair doesn't make this happen any faster or different for anyone. Relationships are cyclical..having highs and lows. The highs come when both partners are willing to work on the marriage with every fiber of their being. God was placed once again as the center of our marriage and I believe that a second honeymoon was a blessing from the Lord. He knew what we needed to reconnect and refocus on Him and each other.

After the big move, Scott and I worked, and worked, with blood, sweat and tears to repair our broken and fractured marriage. We were diligent in working to make new memories together. We began opening up to one another again. We rebuilt trust. We shared our new hopes and dreams with one another. It really was a beautiful and happy time for us. It was real. Our love was absolute and it felt great!

I was on cloud nine. Our second honeymoon for 2-3 years.  I was getting reacquainted with the man I had once married. I remember being so shocked and dumbfounded as I really got to know Scott. I guess the things I saw in Ozzy were things that Scott lacked, but I was wrong. I had never taken the time to search for them in my husband. We were falling in love with each other all over again.

Being in the honeymoon phase you are completely focused on each other and often push out the "real world, " including friends and family. And that is what happened to us. We got together with people but we were so focused on each other that I never stopped for one moment to think about how others were viewing us. To no surprise, we were the big news I am sure in many circles. We heard the many rumors that were going around as the story leaked out..most of the information that came back to us was of course, very far from the truth.

On one particular day, I was hit, square in the face by this notion.


Scott and I were invited to a friends house for dinner. These friends knew our history, the actual facts, and in my mind they didn't judge me for my sins...BUT I was shocked by a single sentence that was said at the dinner table..

"How are you guys doing?" that was the questions..I was relieved that they cared for the well being of our relationship. I was awestruck that they had to courage to ask how we were doing..we needed accountability..I think everyone needs accountability.

I honestly answered the questions, "We are doing great. We are in like another honeymoon phase or something and our relationship is really healing."

Then it hit me..."Well, it might look good from the outside."

 The reply to my response shook my world to the core. It actually took everything within me to not get up and leave the house. I fought back tears..This was the first time I began to freak out about what others thought. Obviously others were thinking that we were fake on the outside..we were never going to be okay..these thoughts poisoned my mind and my heart..and I quickly became a hermit. I was scared to death to face the reality of what others thought of us..of me.