The Woman at the Well

I wanted to share with you an amazing section of a book I read.  The book is titled, The Me I want to be. It is written by John Ortberg.

The Section I want to share with you is found on page 49 and the subsection is called "The Freedom Way." In this section Ortberg is demenstrating to us that because we are each so unique that there is not one universal way we all grow-spiritually speaking. He continues on to say:

"If we really want to help someone to grow, we will have to help them in a way that fits their wiring...
         Our great model for this is God himself, for he always knows just what each person needs. 
He had Abraham take a walk, Elijiah take a nap, Joushua take a nap, and Adam take the rap.
He gave Moses a forty-year time out, he gave David a harp and a dance and gave Paul a pen and a scroll....
         Jesus was stern with the rich young ruler, tender with the woman caught in adultery, patient with the disciples, blistering with the scribes, gentle with the children, and gracious with the thief on the cross."

It's true that "God never grows two people the same way." However, I find that when two people have a similar part of the story...the same tactics might apply to each person. While reading the above section, the part that called out to me was "Jesus was...tender with the woman caught in adultery." This rings true with me. I looked at the story in the Bible about the woman at the well...John Chapter 4 verses 1-26. You can take away many things from reading this chapter.

Jesus Talks With a Samaritan Woman

4 Now Jesus learned that the Pharisees had heard that he was gaining and baptizing more disciples than John— ² although in fact it was not Jesus who baptized, but his disciples. ³ So he left Judea and went back once more to Galilee.

⁴ Now he had to go through Samaria. ⁵ So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. ⁶ Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon.
⁷ When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” ⁸ (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)
⁹ The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.^[a])
¹⁰ Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
¹¹ “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? ¹² Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”
¹³ Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
¹⁵ The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”
¹⁶ He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”
¹⁷ “I have no husband,” she replied.
Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. ¹⁸ The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”
¹⁹ “Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. ²⁰ Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.”
²¹ “Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. ²² You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. ²³ Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. ²⁴ God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”
²⁵ The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”
²⁶ Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.”


Jesus doesn't yell at the woman for what she has done. He factually points out that she is living a life of sin...and He still offers her eternal life. He doesn't have others stone her. He doesn't tell her she is going to hell. He doesn't keep bringing up her past. He is tender with her. 

I can relate. Jesus was tender with me too. He blessed me with a second chance at love and marriage with my husband. My marriage could have fallen apart so fast...and yet God gently and carefully allowed my marriage to be healed. Scott and I now have a marriage full of trust, respect and a deep love. God's tenderness shines through my husband. My past sin has been forgiven and my marriage has been resurrected.

Tender Love

Scott and I packed our things and left his Parent's house. We had not see each other or spoken to each other in a week. Scott was eager to get home with his bride by his side. I on the other had was dreading it. My head and heart hadn't gotten on the same page just yet. My head knew that I was supposed to be with Scott and that things were going to be okay. My heart, however, was still shredded in a million pieces, I just lost my best friend and someone who I loved very much. Somehow at the same time, my heart was a tiny bit happy to have Scott back too. It's very hard to explain the inner-turmoil.

I cried off and on throughout the day. I was grieving the loss of my friend and lover. To my surprise, Scott tenderly held me as I wept so hard that my body shook. Losing a loved one is not easy. Sure he wasn't dead, but for all intends and purposes, I would never see him again...or so I thought.

Scott longed to reunite and express our love to one another, but I denied him time and time again. Month after month would pass and I would decline the invitation to join with him. I couldn't bare the thought. I was so terrified that while I was laying with Scott thoughts of Ozzy would pop into my head and so to prevent that from happening..I denied Scott any physical attention. Scott was so defeated that he eventually stopped asking. I realize now that I hurt Scott almost worse by denying him pleasure for so long. I love Scott but was just so unsure of everything.

One night while Scott was out working I decided that I was going to allow myself to be taken by him. In fact I even decided to initiate. I will spare you the details, but Scott took me and treated me with so much tender and passion that my mind was clear of unwanted images and replaced, rightfully so, with images with my husband!

Gratitude Journal Entry # 14

Gratitude Journal Entry # 14

This week I am grateful for all the encouragement and support that I have received while writing this blog! Thank you so much to all my readers! Your encouragement really helps make the writing easier. Being transparent is hard work and following God's calling is sometimes really really hard. I love to read and re-read your encouraging words.

Spread the word and pray for the marriages in this world to be strong and to be build on God's love.

Who should know?

I am not an expert not that I am claming to be...But having gone through the experience of an affair...there are several things I have observed and learned and want to share them with the world.

Who should know about the affair?

I am a big advocate for having no secrets in the family. An affair is something that scars your heart. It can give another reason to trust you less and to feel disappointed in you. However, telling the family or close friends about the affair can be very helpful for several reasons:

1. They can pray for you. The more people praying the better.
2. They can hold you accountable and call you out when you are backsliding.
3. They can support and encourage you if you allow them too.
4. They can know the truth "straight from the horses mouth" thus minimizing the amount of rumors and faulse information that might be out there.
5. They can share their stories with you and give you helpful advice...if you let them.

I do believe it is up to you who to tell. Of course the person who is having/had the affair will most likely be apposed to telling others. They don't want their reputation to be tarnished and may be fearful for how others will react or treat them. It is a hard road to walk, but so is choosing to have an affair. In my own opinion I think it is beneficial for others to know because of the above reasons. Having been involved in an affair myself, I didn't tell anyone because I was ashamed of my actions. I didn't want others to be disappointed in me. But the truth is..I am glad that my husband talked to others about it. He was trying to get as much help and encouragement as he could.

As a result of others knowing, I have lost nothing. My family still loves me and accepts me. My in laws still love me and accept me as I am. My friends still love me and accept me as I am...NOTHING HAS BEEN LOST! No one yells at me for my past mistakes, no one holds my past over my head or against me. I have been forgiven.

Man up to your mistakes, take the time to fix your marriage and get over yourself!

The In-Laws

 Scott and I were still at his parent's house. I was excited and nervous to head back home with Scott. We had a lot of work ahead of us in repairing our relationship, rebuilding trust, and mending our hearts. It was going to be a tough road but I was ready and willing to travel down it.

As we were heading out, I realized how great my in laws are. I remember driving to Scott's Parent's house and how nervous I was about his parent's reaction. I was of course really worried about how they would recieve me. I was nervous that they were going to quote bible verses at me. I was terrified that they would yell at me about the way I treated their son and shun me forever...I deserved a reaction like that.

After my arrival, Scott's mom kindly invited me in, but I was too nervous and afraid to be welcomed.  I waited outside. After Scott and I were reunited, I remember that Scott's Dad walked over to me, put his arm on my shoulder and said, "We are glad to see you back." I knew then that I was welcomed and more importantly forgiven.

As life carried on, I was very worried about going to any family funtion after everything happened...When Scott's brothers would be there with their families..and to my surprise, they welcomed me back with open arms as well. The family has never brougt up my past. They have never made me feel uncomfortable.

I have amazing in laws. They accept me as part of the family. They encourage me when I need it. They love me for me. Most amazingly, they have forgiven me and have shown me a side of God's grace that is so sweet. I am blessed.

Gratitude Journal Entry # 13

Gratitude Journal Entry # 13

Thank you God for second chances...and third chances...and fourth chances....and....

Effectiveness of Couples Counseling

I ran across this interesting article about Couples Counseling. It has some interesting facts regarding the outcome..You can click the link or continue reading.


Effectiveness of Couples Counseling

Couple’s counseling is based on the premise that individuals and their problems are best handled within the context of the couple’s relationship. Typically, both partners in the relationship attend the counseling session to discuss the couple’s specific issues. The aim of couple’s counseling is to help a couple deal appropriately with their immediate problems and to learn better ways of relating in general.

Couples therapy or couple’s counseling is a useful modality of help for couples who are experiencing difficulties such as repetitive arguments, feelings of distance or emptiness in the relationship, pervasive feelings of anger, resentment and or dissatisfaction or lack of interest in affection or in a physical relationship with one another.¹

According to the 2000 Census the majority of American society chose to reside or live with a partner. 52% of US households are maintained by married couples, and there is an increase in the number of couples living together from 3.3 million in 1990 to 5.5 million in 2000.² Nationwide in 2000, there were 21,000 marriage and family therapists helping couples work through and deal with their relationship issues.³

In a review of the literature through mid-1996, Pinsof, Wynne, and Hambright (1996: Pinsof & Wynne, 1995) concluded that significant data exists support the efficacy of family and couples therapy and that there is no evidence indicating that couples are harmed when they undergo treatment.⁴

Research outcomes on couples counseling suggest the following:

• At the end of couple’s therapy, 75% of couples receiving therapy are better off than similar couples who did not receive therapy.
• Sixty five percent of couples report "significant" improvement based on averaged scores of marital "satisfaction."
• Most couples will benefit from therapy, but both spouses will not necessarily experience the same outcomes or benefits.
• Therapies that produce the greatest gain and are able to maintain that gain over the long amount of time, tend to affect the couple's emotional bonds and help the spouse's work together to achieve a greater level of "differentiation" or emotional maturity.⁵

In determining as a couple what type of therapist that you wish to receive treatment from keep in mind that according to a large-scale survey of over 4,000 Consumer Reports readers showed in 1995, people in therapy generally rated psychologists, clinical social workers, and psychiatrists about as equally effective in helping their clients.⁶

Couples today feel increasingly isolated and are expected to manage their lives and families without the community supports that in the past were a primary resource in raising children and meeting family needs. Couples in our present culture are less bound by family traditions and are freer than ever before to develop relationships unlike those of the families that they were raised in.⁷

With the aid of a qualified clinician, couples can bring peace, stability and communication back into their relationship thus affecting their lives and the lives of those most impacted by them and their relationship.
 
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1. Center for Addiction and Mental Health. Couple therapy: Factors influencing a couple’s relationship. Available at www.camh.net/about_addiction_mental_health/couple_therapy_factors.html
2. US Census (2000). Available at http://www.census.gov/
3. US Department of Labor (2000), Bureau of Labor Statistics. Available at http://www.bls.gov/home.htm
4. Friedlander, M. (1997) The scientific basis of couples and family therapy research. Allyn and Bacon: Boston.
5. Wills, R.M (2001) Effectiveness of therapy. Available at http://www.marriagetherapy.org/dssbhmarriage127.html.
6. Consumer Reports (1995) Available at http://www.consumerreports.org/main/home.jsp?source=DG&AFFID=S145MC0
7. Carter B., McGoldrick M., (1989), The expanded family life cycle; Individual, family, and social perspectives. Allyn and Bacon: Boston.