Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My Addiction

My affair had ended. Scott and I, by the grace of God, were working to piece our marriage back together. We had promised to be open with each other..I was more open with Scott then I think he was ready for. I wore my heart on my sleeve. My heart was destroyed. I was happy to be with Scott and knew that was right where God wanted me. At the same time, my heart ached for Ozzy.
I was addicted. Not to drugs. Not to alcohol. Not to gambling. I was addicted to love. I was addicted to Ozzy. I knew many of you might not be able to relate or even think it is possible to be addicted to a person..but please continue reading and you may understand my addiction.

After the affair ended, I had terrible dreams. Dreams of Ozzy dying. Dreams of funerals. Dreams about what my life would have been like if I would have chosen a different path. At first, because Scott and I promised to be honest and open about everything, I would tell him about these dreams. He would listen as I described and replayed these dreams to him. He would hold me as I sobbed. It is ironic that I should have been holding and encouraging Scott, but I was in such a deep emotional hole, he had to help me out...

The addiction was growing more clear to me. Scott would go to work in the evening and I would take out my old love letters that I had saved from Ozzy. I read and reread them. I cried over them. Each time I did this, I could feel my breath being taken away and my heart breaking more and more each time.

Ozzy and I both love music. We expressed our feelings with the words and emotions with song lyrics. Our favorite, Celine Dion. I would listen to her songs over and over and over again. Replaying moments that Ozzy and I shared together. We would sing her songs together and to each other. I would play the CDs at night and cling to every memory that I had.

I watched movies and any television shows that reminded me of him. I would be pulled to actors who had the same mannerisms or character traits as Ozzy.

My mind and heart obsessed. My dreams at night were so vivid and real..I didn't dream of him dying, or the loss of him. No. I dreamed of our life together.

I was addicted to his love. The saddest part is, I started withdrawing from Scott again. I would drive down the roads I knew Ozzy had to take in hopes of seeing him or passing him. I needed to see him one more time. I needed to talk to him one more time...but then I realized while listening to a song I heard for the first time on the radio. It is a secular song by Kelly Clarkson. It is called "Addicted." I am sure she is not singing about a person, but probably a drug..but these lyrics hit me to the core...

"Addicted"

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me 

These lyrics made me realize that I had an addiction to Ozzy. I was feeding the addiction by reading the letters and listening to the songs that would take me back to the feelings I had while I was with him. It was here in my journey that I cried out to God and asked Him how to deal with this addiction that was consuming me. God revealed a plan to me...He always does. It's following through with the plan that is the hardest part.

God's plan involved quitting cold turkey. Against my own desires and with great sadness I decided to obey God and to put His plan into action. While Scott was at work one evening, I found a box. I began to fill this box with anything and everything that reminded me of Ozzy. Every music CD that I owned that contained even a single song that would stir emotions from Ozzy. Every note and love letter he ever wrote me went into the box. Every picture, every movie, everything that even made me think of him in the tiniest bit went into this box. Please believe me when I tell you that filling the box was more difficult then I can describe.  I was a big crying mess during this whole process. It was so tempting to listen to some music while I packed the box or read each thing as I tucked it in the box, but I forced myself to not.

Scott arrived home from work. I stood before him, crying and holding the box. I had a long talk with Scott and once again opened my heart up to him about my addiction and secrets. I handed him the box as physical proof that my heart, mind and soul were ready to kick my addiction to the curb and move on.

I wish that I could say that the box was the end of my addiction but as I am human that was not the case- BUT it was a huge step in the right direction. The direction of delighting in the Lord and what He has given me so that He could remold and renew the desires of my heart to match the desires of His.


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