Forgiveness. It's a hard action to participate in, wither you accepting forgiveness or bestowing forgiveness to another. After my affair...forgiveness was a big challenge for me on several levels. I needed to ask for forgiveness from God, Scott, and others who I hurt.. I also needed to forgive. The hardest of all this was both accepting and bestowing forgiveness for myself.
When my heart was ready, several years later, I asked God to forgive my affair; the lies, the shame, the hurt, the manipulation, the breaking of my marriage vows and all the sin that entangled me. It was extremely hard to admit my sins to Christ. He already knew what I had done, but to verbalize my sin was difficult. I was admitting before my creator that I sinned. I accepted that this sin nailed my Jesus to the cross. My sin was a personal choice..how could I have committed such a hated and heartbreaking sin. Of course I didn't need to worry about God not forgiving me. The Bible tells me that when I ask for forgiveness the Lord is gracious and forgives..God is good.
Rebuilding my marriage was something I wanted to do. I needed to rebuild trust with my husband. I needed to prove to him that I was willing and ready to move forward and fight to save our marriage. I needed to ask my husband for forgiveness for the affair and all the parts that go along with that. I had a conversation with Scott. I told him there was no way I could undo the choices that I had made. I told him that I was sorry even though sorry wasn't enough. I asked him to forgive me. It was a hard conversation to have but very necessary in moving forward together. Again, I am blessed that my husband has show Christlike grace to me. He has truly forgiven me.
I asked family members to forgive me..and they too accepting me back with open arms. I don't take this for granted. I know that I am truly blessed by God's grace. There are so many families who hold grudges and build hatred. It is probably the norm, because of the way this world works. But I was so fortunate to have family, extended family and my in-laws love me despite my transgressions.
In my heart I needed to forgive Ozzy. I didn't want resentment or anger to build up and haunt me, so I know this was a necessary step for me. I believe I wrote him a letter or something asking for his forgiveness for my part in the affair, but also bestowing forgiveness on to him. It was a hard letter to write, because sometimes blaming someone else for our failures is easier that fully admitting that we had a part or choice in the matter.
The title suggests that this is Part 1...The most difficult part of the forgiveness process was that of bestowing and accepting forgiveness for and of myself..I will explain more in The Forgiveness Process Part 2..next Tuesday.