Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Stolen Memory Space

Giving up a friendship is not easy. Ozzy and I had went our separate ways, but we shared a mutual group of friends. It was rough. At first, after I said goodbye, I knew that I wouldn't be able to go to group activities..I would be the one to back away. It was my choice to let him go. But after awhile of being away from our friends I missed them..and in honesty I missed Ozzy.

Scott and I decided to bond with our friends we would hold weekly poker nights at our house. Yes we gambled for real money..not all the time, but most of the time and it was fun. Sometimes alcohol was involved. Scott rarely drank, but everyone else did. These poker nights soon turned into a weekly obsession. I looked forward, probably more than I should have, because I knew that Ozzy would come. At first it was so awkward to have Scott, Ozzy and I in the same room, but as time went on, it began to feel like old times again...I loved Scott don't get me wrong, but for some reason my flesh is weak. I have always been physically attracted to Ozzy. Each week I would see him again, I would get a whiff of his cologne and I would let my mind take me back in time. He would look at me the way he used to. He would tell me that he still loved me when we somehow were alone on the balcony or in the kitchen grabbing more beer.

The emotions of being with him are never very far under the surface..If I want to go looking for them and be wrapped up in them I can to this day at whatever moment I want. There is just something about a deep love that doesn't heal much...not even over time. I sometimes wonder if it's like a punishment for the things I did. But I really know that it's Satan. It's always Satan when it comes to things being sneaky or crafty. He will do anything to break a marriage apart. Sad. At least I am smart enough to figure it out now.

As hard as it was, the best choice in the world was move away. Because of it, we decided to not be part of the group anymore. We sometimes really miss the people who knew us so well. We miss playing with cards with people who loved them as much as we did. Sometimes to this day we reach out to some of the members of the old group, but time of course has had our way with us..and we have nothing in common anymore. I have remained friends with only a very few of the old group.

But to be honest with you..the hardest times for me personally are important dates. For example, I am sure I will always remember his birthday. It's actually just passed a couple of days ago.. For years, even after we moved away and Ozzy and I stopped all communication, we both found ways of at least saying happy birthday to one another. It was several years ago now, but on my birthday, I didn't hear anything...It kind of hurt my feelings. It is hard for me not to look up his info or track him down to say happy birthday. His birthday was kind of an inside joke because he turned one year older than me first..so I always would ask him what it felt like to be older. Silly I know.

It's really sad how vivid the memories still can be. Then I remember...this is one of the reasons I want to share this story with others. These are memories that I can never take back and can never erase. Sure they aren't too harmful, but they are always there. My memories of love and tenderness, passion and heat should be reserved only for your spouse. It kills me to know that these memories are so strong and have stained my heart forever..it was over 8 years ago. The memories individually might be great, but I don't want them anymore. When I have time to reflect on my past I want happy memories. I want pure memories. I want memories that should have been there in the first place...not memories of lies, cheating, sex, remorse...and failure.

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