I have a confession to make. Sometimes it's hard to write about the past. I thought I've dealt with most of these things, but the deeper I get in to the story, I am surprised by several emotions that creep up. I know that the thoughts and emotions that are tied to this tragic event are a consequence. I have been working though the emotions by reminding myself of the reality. I also very aware that satan likes to confuse people. He likes to use our irrational emotions against us and ultimately against God.
One of the emotions that I have been struggling the most with is raw heartache. In an instant, I can mentally transport back into passion and lust. In just a moments time, I can be pulled in to the deep desires and heat that were once connected with my past. I have a very difficult time putting words to these emotions that I feel. I can describe the torture and the deep anguish I feel when I am taken back by these feelings. It is raw and fragile, like the colors being stripped out of a beautiful and delicate flower. Each time I am pulled into the past, I am haunted by the sin I committed. It is like I am there, still in the affair. My heart breaks and feels as if the void of Ozzy is still as deep and stings as much as it did when I had to say goodbye. My heart mourns the way I treated my husband and I can hear my vows breaking as if they were delicate china being thrown against a rugged stone wall. Pure agony..
My reality is not sneaking around and planning secret rendezvous. My reality is not being irrational with my emotions. My reality is not living with my head stuck in the clouds thinking that life is easy and love is so innocent. I will not allow satan to pull me into my past. My life is so different now. Of course an affair is easy, passionate, and has no responsibilities. Once you throw in children, house payments, employment and other everyday life, it pulls the romance and and effortlessness right out the window
I often have a hard time when I compare the affair with my real life. Affairs are enticing because they are not reality. It's so desirable to have love the easy way, with no work and no road blocks. My life now is full of road blocks and difficult everyday issues. But the great things about my love now, is that I know God blessed me with Scott. He chose Scott out of all the millions and billions of men to be mine, for me to keep and share my life with. Scott is an amazing man, not only to be willing to take me back after everything I put him through, but also because he loves me. Deep in his heart he loves me. He wants to please me. He wants to share my life.
Life is hard. But I love a challenge. Scott is my treasure from God and I want to work hard to keep out love strong. I will not let satan win over my emotions and flashbacks. I will not allow myself to dream about the ease of on affair. My heart is sad for the choices I've made. It has been 10 years since the affair ended. It is sad that it is still so fresh in my mind. A solid consequence for my sinful actions.