Seek Help

Growing up my family was forced by the courts to seek counseling, both individually and as a family. It was pure torture. It was uncomfortable. It was draining. It was hard to dig deep and share feeling that we don't even know how to express. I didn't always agree with the advice that was given to me.

I think one of the main issues with the counselor we had to see was that we didn't see a "christian" counselor. I really think it is important to put your trust in someone who believes what you believe. A lot of the counselors we met with talked about statistics..and I often heard that I was going to be a statistic.

Unfortunately Scott and I didn't seek professional help. We met with a pastor from Scott's Parent's church a couple of times, but after that we didn't meet with anyone. We thought that we could handle piecing our marriage back together ourselves. A harsh reality 8 years later is that I been dealing with depression because of unresolved issues surrounding the affair. Scott and I are just now letting some things go. I am just now finally being able to forgive myself, but that's a whole other topic.

We of course had God on our side which is the reason for our success. It was only by His grace that our marriage was restored and repaired to the degree that it is. We of course still have our ups and downs like every couple, but we definitely communicate more about everything.

Before you think this is the end of the story..please stop. saying goodbye and moving on are two different things.

Gratitude Journal Entry # 12

Gratitude Journal Entry # 12

I am so thankful for friends and family who are proactive. These family members and friends take the time to gently point out what they notice. They can tell if something is bothering you. They can tell that something is not quite right and they are not afraid to ask how you are really doing because they want to help. They care so deeply and love with so much.

 I can really appreciate others who are brave enough to say something. That is how my marriage was saved. A friend pulled Scott aside and told him what was going on. There were so many other friends who knew what was going on but out of fear or whatever other reason never had the courage to speak up. Thank you family and friends for always being brave and speaking what is on your mind out of love.

Love is a Choice

I want to tell you that there is not an easy road. The easy road would have been to say no to emotions and feelings towards another human. Scott and I choosing to stay together and work on our marriage was not an easy answer. It was difficult for a very long time. We celebrated 10 years of marriage this past June. We have made the choice to work on our marriage everyday.

I have had the experience of many women and men telling me that they aren't in love any more. They have no romantic feelings for their spouse the way they used to...I feel so sad for coupes who feel this way. It should never come down to how you feel. Love is a choice. I blame our sinful nature for wanting love to be easy and feel good all the time.

Romantic movies cause couples to form lofty expectation about how love should feel also. It should be nothing but butterflies in your tummy. Love should always be full of passion and heat. I wholly disagree with all of these things.

Love is a choice.

Everyday you should wake up and make the choice to love. Some days will be easier than others. Some days love will feel like butterflies and passion. On other days love feels like a big kick in the knee. It is a hard choice.

Jesus is a super example of how to love. He loved when people did not love him back. He loved when people called him names. He loved when the very people he was dying for hung him on the cross. Do you think that love was easy or felt good??

Interrogation

Talking about any secret sin is hard. When it is a secret, you can accept if the sin is right or wrong because you are the only one who knows. If you choose it to be right, living in the sin is easy. It's when the sin comes into light and the world starts to learn about it that makes your secret world cave and shows you that indeed your sin is wrong.

Once Scott and I decided to work on our marriage and I ended my affair, Scott kept asking me a lot of questions. The questions were not easy to listen to, as for the first time in our marriage, he was wearing his heart on his sleeve. The questions were not simple worded questions or questions that I could even answer right away. The questions were tough to answer. I wanted to give Scott the easiest, one word answers, but he saw right through me and continued to ask the hard questions...Why? How could you have done this? What about our marriage vows? Did you think about me? How long, when....where....who.....???

In my head, my affair was not wrong. My actions were not wrong. I was happy and in love. I convinced myself that I deserved to be happy and in love. My secret world was dark. When Scott asked the questions I really had to search in the dark for the answers. I didn't know a lot of the answers right away.  Sometimes I knew the answer to a specific questions but didn't want to give him the real answer. I wanted to cover up little bits of information here and there and maybe give Scott half truths. I was afraid that he couldn't be able to handle the real answer. I was afraid he would give up on me. I was afraid he would know my secrets.

During this questioning phase, I felt like a criminal. It felt like, Scott was shining the brightest light on my darkest secrets and it hurt. It hurt to search my soul and to find the real answers.  It hurt even worse to tell him the things he wanted to know and then watch his reaction. The pain would show on his face. I heard his heart break again and again with each detail.

He wanted to know. I needed to tell him the truth. It was not easy but I answered all of his questions as truthfully and as detailed as I could. Scott later told me that when I wasn't answering his questions his mind was spinning. His imagination would take over and he though of the worst possible things I could have done. He though about all the places me and the other man went...and when I finally started to tell him the truth and the details. It made his mind stop. His imaginations didn't have to paint up the picture or create the details of the affair, I painted it for him. He knew exactly what had happened. For me, this was one of the hardest periods or parts of the aftermath.  Not only did Scott now know all the secret details, but for the first time I felt I had done something wrong.

While answering Scott's interrogating questions my heart was softened to the sin I had been living. Finally God's light had reached the darkest, most secret place in my heart and amazing things started to happen.

Gratitude Journal Entry # 11

Gratitude Journal Entry # 11

I am so thankful for Christian Music. I have been loving this song lately...The lyrics are so powerful!

Obedience

The dictionary defines Obedience as :

 "the act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance"

I love the phrase  "practice of obeying." I think I love it so much because practice makes perfect. We are to strive to be Christ like. We will never be perfect like Him, but we are called to live life like that of Christ, blameless and sinnless. 

I find it overwheliming to live up to such lofty expectiation. If we will never achieve perfectness or likeness of Christ, then why even try right?

Wrong.

I am making my word of the year be OBEDIENCE. I want to live a life that is Christlike. I have already sinned so much because of my infidelity. I still have a hard time letting that sin go. But I will practice will all my heart to follow God and be obedient to his Word and commands.  

Sharing my story is not easy. Sharing my sin is not something I dreamed of doing. I am following God and obeying his calling to share my story with others. The Bible says we will  be blessed for obeying and following God's commands. It is so hard to obey God when every fiber in our body is telling us to do something different because it feels good, or because we deserve it. But accordfing to the Bible we will be blessed.

James 1:22–25
But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don't obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. (NLT)
  

I have several examples of blessings but of course I am going to focus on the story of my affair. When I got myself involved with a man who was not my husband. It felt right. I wanted to be happy. This other man made me happy. I fell deeper and deeper in love with him, abandoning my feelings and my vows for my husband. God saved my marriage by bringing to light my sin in a  gentle whisper. I so badly didn't want to obey because I needed Ozzy. I needed this man to make me happy and fulfill me. But because I followed God's leading instead of my own desires my life has been blessed beyond all measure.

I have a marriage that is amazing. We love and respect each other deeper than we ever have. We have passion and a deep commitment to each other. We have 2 beautiful babies. We have a beautiful home and friends and family who love and forgive.

God is good!

Goals

After being apart for a week, Scott and I reunited with a tight embrace. I was so happy to see his face and feel his arms around me. He had just returned from a fishing trip with his dad. I had been sitting in the driveway waiting his return so I could let him know my choice. I choose to fix this marriage.

Scott cleaned up and we headed to Perkins so that we could talk. I so badly wanted to reserve a hotel room, but I wasn't sure if he was going to be willing to see me or talk to me. I had distanced myself so far from him. We hadn't touched or kissed for weeks. We headed to Perkins and ordered some food. I spilled my guts to him about everything. He asked me several questions and I answered everything truthfully. We then agreed that we were both willing to fix our marriage.

Scott shared his fears and doubts with me. He told me that he didn't trust me and that was something that we needed to focus on. We made a list of goals for our marriage while sitting in Perkins. The list is as follows:

1. Keep God as the center of our relationship.
2. Meet each other's needs. 
3. Good communication without judgement
4. Be totally open about everything
5. Commit to standing by each other through good and bad.

We talked in great detail about what each of these goals would look like. We  wrote them down together and prayed together for God to give us strength to fight and not give up.

Scott mentioned the idea of meeting with the pastor of his parents church. Scott had a conversation with the pastor and  thought it would be a great idea for us to meet with him and his wife. I told Scott I needed to think about it.