Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Interrogation

Talking about any secret sin is hard. When it is a secret, you can accept if the sin is right or wrong because you are the only one who knows. If you choose it to be right, living in the sin is easy. It's when the sin comes into light and the world starts to learn about it that makes your secret world cave and shows you that indeed your sin is wrong.

Once Scott and I decided to work on our marriage and I ended my affair, Scott kept asking me a lot of questions. The questions were not easy to listen to, as for the first time in our marriage, he was wearing his heart on his sleeve. The questions were not simple worded questions or questions that I could even answer right away. The questions were tough to answer. I wanted to give Scott the easiest, one word answers, but he saw right through me and continued to ask the hard questions...Why? How could you have done this? What about our marriage vows? Did you think about me? How long, when....where....who.....???

In my head, my affair was not wrong. My actions were not wrong. I was happy and in love. I convinced myself that I deserved to be happy and in love. My secret world was dark. When Scott asked the questions I really had to search in the dark for the answers. I didn't know a lot of the answers right away.  Sometimes I knew the answer to a specific questions but didn't want to give him the real answer. I wanted to cover up little bits of information here and there and maybe give Scott half truths. I was afraid that he couldn't be able to handle the real answer. I was afraid he would give up on me. I was afraid he would know my secrets.

During this questioning phase, I felt like a criminal. It felt like, Scott was shining the brightest light on my darkest secrets and it hurt. It hurt to search my soul and to find the real answers.  It hurt even worse to tell him the things he wanted to know and then watch his reaction. The pain would show on his face. I heard his heart break again and again with each detail.

He wanted to know. I needed to tell him the truth. It was not easy but I answered all of his questions as truthfully and as detailed as I could. Scott later told me that when I wasn't answering his questions his mind was spinning. His imagination would take over and he though of the worst possible things I could have done. He though about all the places me and the other man went...and when I finally started to tell him the truth and the details. It made his mind stop. His imaginations didn't have to paint up the picture or create the details of the affair, I painted it for him. He knew exactly what had happened. For me, this was one of the hardest periods or parts of the aftermath.  Not only did Scott now know all the secret details, but for the first time I felt I had done something wrong.

While answering Scott's interrogating questions my heart was softened to the sin I had been living. Finally God's light had reached the darkest, most secret place in my heart and amazing things started to happen.

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