Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Making A Choice

Making the choice, between staying with my husband or leaving for my lover, was one of the most difficult decisions I had ever made. In the mist of the affair, and during the aftermath, I had no clue how to even go about making the choice. I didn't have family or friends who were very helpful because none of them had been in a similar situation. I felt as if the world was weighing on my shoulders. I wanted to protect everyone who was involved from being hurt any further. Different books have all agreed that taking your time to make the decision is important. Several books have mentioned that deliberation should take a couple of months so that you have a chance to pull yourself out of your fantasy world and regain your emotions.

If you find yourself in an affair and needing to make the choice between stay or leave there are a few things you should consider before making your decision:

  1. Be deliberate with your decision. Take the necessary time to weigh your options. 
  2. Don't make your decision on feelings alone. Feelings change. The more time and energy you invest in a relationship the stronger you will feel towards them. If you are in an affair, you are spending your time and energy with wanting to be with him/her. What would happen if you put your time and energy into your marriage?
  3. Take into consideration that your relationship with your affair partner is secretive, which brings about more excitement and romance.
  4. In your marriage you have responsibility like paying the mortgage, fixing the leaky facet, and perhaps caring for children.  What would these responsibilities look like with your lover?
  5. Are you willing to work hard to repair your marriage? It is a slow process and you have to be willing to work diligently at it.
  6. Do not make your choice simply by comparing individuals because it is not fair to compare secret romance to a stable long lasting marriage.
  7. Would you still want to divorce your spouse if you knew that down the road your relationship with your lover doesn't work out?
  8. Talk to someone; God, a non-biased friend or family member. Don't be afraid to seek the advice of a counselor.
  9. Take time to be alone. 
  10. Replay your marriage in your mind...what is about your spouse that you love? Why did you choose to marry him/her?
Please don't base your answer off these questions alone. These are just some questions to help you make a decision. Take the time to research by reading some books about affairs. Please take the time to realize that you are in two very different situations. Take your time and carefully make your decision. Also, know that you are not the only one with a decision to make. Your spouse has biblical grounds for a divorce. They too need to take the time to think about fighting for their marriage, working on the relationship and forgiveness.

Reading Suggestions:

After the Affair, Updated Second Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been UnfaithfulTorn AsunderNot


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