Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Making Up My Mind

My secret was revealed. My husband found out from a friend that I was having an affair with Ozzy. I had tried so long to hide my tracks, keeping the affair a secret for as long as I could. 
Despite the fact that Scott knew about the affair, I still went out Ozzy. I would inform Scott that I was going out and I didn't know what I time I would be back. I was relieved that the secret was out. I wouldn't have to lie anymore. I was not remorseful about my relationship with Ozzy. It felt right. I had no regrets. I loved the person I had become when I was with him. He loved me passionately. I never knew love could feel that way. We talked about what our future would look like. I continued to see Ozzy.

At home, life was unpleasant. I was withdrawn from Scott. I wouldn't let him touch me. In my mind, I knew I needed to stay with Scott. In my heart, I knew I needed to be with Ozzy. I was paralyzed. No matter the choice I made people were going to be hurt. I didn't want the responsibility of hurting someone. I figured if Scott would choose to leave me everything would resolve it's self. BUT Scott chose to fight. The husband that I had known to be emotionally quiet suddenly was wearing his heart on his sleeve. He would tell me how mad he was at Ozzy. He was disappointed in me. He was hurt. He was devastated. My mind was spinning out of control because I was the one who did this to him.
 At this point I was getter pressure from both partners to make a decision about what was going to happen next. I felt as if I was sinking in quicksand. My world, in a matter of days, came crumbling down. I needed space to breath. I needed time alone to think without others pressuring me. I sent Scott to his parents house for a week and I told Ozzy that I was going to take the week to make my decision. Both men agreed. I didn't talk to either one of them during that week. I went to work and I came home. 

I didn't know the best way to decide so I tried lots of things. I made a pros and cons list. I made a list of what a future would look like with each person. I cried myself to sleep and agonized over the situation. To take my mind off the problem, I would clean. Scott and I lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I scrubbed every inch of that home trying to shut my mind off. My brain felt like mush and my heart was in pieces. 

I made my choice. I decided that I would have a better life if I left Scott to be with my lover. I was going to ask Scott for a divorce and start my life over. I was sad for the fact that I messed up the marriage. He deserved better. I was excited to have made a choice. I was looking forward to spending a life time with a man who passionately loved me the way I needed to be loved.

I continued to cleaned our apartment. I was dusting the book shelves in the living room. I removed all the items on the top shelf dusted them and the shelf and neatly returned each item to its spot. I moved to the second shelf and was about the remove all the items when I came across a small gift we had received at our wedding. It was a set of scripture cards. I took it in my hand and read the card that was on the front:

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.~Psalm 37:4 "

I fell to the ground, tears streaming down my face, I cried out to God. What was I doing? What have I done? I caused all this to happen all because I was looking for my own desires. Who am I to decide what my desires are?  I was not delighting in the LORD I was running in the opposite direction. I had been running from God, but God was the answer this whole time. I was selfish and living in sin. God put Scott in my life for a reason. God knows my desires better then I could and I wanted to know what God's plan was.

I knew that the road before me was going to be a difficult one. I had to say goodbye to my best friend, lover and soul mate. I had a marriage to mend. I had a lot of explaining to do.

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