Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Secret is Out

Ozzy and I walked hand in hand down the halls of the mall. We were on our way to the movies. We sat in a over-sized chair together and he put his arm around me. We were comfortable. We were in love. We were spotted by a very close friend of mine who happened to be working at the mall.

My friend didn't come up and say hi to us...instead that friend called her husband, who happened to be working with my husband. Oh, did I mention that, this night, my husband was at work. Ozzy is not my husband, but rather the lover who I had been secretly been seeing for some time. My husband had no idea what I was doing behind his back. I am sure he must have noticed me withdrawing from his affection and my staying out late. He must have noticed that I was spending all my time with my best friend, Ozzy.

My brain has pushed lot of this memory out of my mind. Until this point, I was happy. Yes I was lying and cheating and breaking my marriage vows. I was happy to be with Ozzy. He was my soul mate and the love I was meant to be with. When my husband found out about the affair I was having, I remember his laid back personality tensing up like a tiger on the prowl. The husband I married never showed much emotion, and when everything was laid on the table, Scott was angry, betrayed, and afraid to trust others.

While working, Scott's boss pulled him aside and relayed the information that I was seen at the mall with Ozzy and that we were holding hands. Scott asked to leave work early while he tried to wrap his head around everything that just happened.

In the days that followed, I told Scott that I wasn't sure what I wanted. I didn't know if I wanted to fix our marriage. Whenever Scott and I were together he asked many questions regarding the details of the affair. I was shocked that he would want to know and at first I didn't want to tell him anything. I wanted to keep everything a secret. It was my secret. I was also trying to protect Ozzy, because that is where my heart was.

However, when I was with Ozzy after the secret had been opened to the world, he seemed to be frustrated and a bit withdrawn. I remember him telling me he was sad for Scott. I felt terrible because here I was, the very person who caused this mess...now dealing with hurt everywhere I looked. I was sad because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know who I wanted to choose. I didn't want to hurt anyone any longer so I prolonged making any type of decision regarding the future. Scott told me that he was willing to fight for our marriage. Ozzy told me that he needed me and that we could start over. No matter the choice I made, someone was going to get hurt more. In my opinion, losing love is one of the most painful experiences in life and I was the one with the responsibility of choosing.

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