Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Brokenness

I am trying to learn more about  affairs and the healing process. I have been researching websites and reading lots of books on the topic. I want to be knowledgeable so that I can help others who might be in a similar situation. Once the new year hits, I hope to make a tab displaying helpful resources. In the mean time, I ran across this article from affairhealing.com. I thought it was very helpful. It lists several ideas to help you deal with brokenness.

 Here is the article entitled: It's Good To Be Broken
 http://www.affairhealing.com/affair-healing-journal/its-good-to-be-broken.html

 After I said goodbye to my affair partner, my heart ached like it never had before. It caused pain, sadness, and depression to say goodbye to someone who I was emotionally and physically tied to. I went through several stages of grief all while trying to heal my marriage. I cried several nights because I missed Ozzy so much. To my surprise, Scott would hold me while I sobbed. He somehow knew my pain and understood my brokenness.

At first I was not remorseful or even sorry for my actions. I was in denial because I had convinced myself that I deserved passionate love. I deserved to be noticed.  I was not sorry for the mess I caused or the pain I put Scott through. I was feeling sorry for myself and dealing with the grief of saying goodbye to someone who was very near and dear to me. God called me to go back with Scott and I would argue with God that he didn't know what he was doing and that he was making me go down the wrong path. It took strength and faith in God at my darkest times to stay committed. After time, when I had dealt with some of my own emotions, I was able to see that I did something bad. I felt terrible that I ruined our marriage. I felt shameful and dirty and told Scott he deserved better. He continually showed his willingness to fight for our marriage. Healing isn't pretty. There are back slides, detours and a lot of tears. We both were committed to healing our relationship. Rebuilding trust takes time. It's hard work, but it is worth it. I promise you, it is worth it!

The affair is still very much a part of me, it has broken off a chunk of my heart. I still have terrible flashbacks and currently dealing with depression as I have started to dissect my past, but I know that my God is a God of grace and love. He will deliver me from my pain and the pain that I caused other. I have a story to share  with the world. I want others to learn through my mistake so that they don't have to wake up every day and realize that they messed up. I am working on acceptance and forgiving myself and it has been an 8 year process and I am not there yet.





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