Monday, December 3, 2012

Saying Good-Bye

I wiped the tears from my face. I now realized that I had been running in the wrong direction. I found myself between a rock and a hard place. I was in love with two men. My husband, Scott,  found out from a friend that I was having an affair with Ozzy. Scott made it clear to me that he had his boxing gloves on and was ready to fight to the death for our marriage. Ozzy was pressuring me to make a choice about our future. I took a week to myself to think things through, and I made my choice. I was going to fight to fix my marriage.

Scott was spending the week up at his parents house. I decided that, before running to Scott, I needed to close the door on my affair. Now, please remember that I was convinced that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with Ozzy. He was my soul mate. My best friend. It was just the night before that I had found the Bible verse that changed my mind to return to my husband. My mind was made up, but my heart was fighting every fiber within my being to stay with Ozzy. I called Ozzy and asked him to meet me the next day for coffee.

That night I couldn't sleep. My mind was traveling at a million miles an hour. I was trying to convince my heart that it was okay to let Ozzy go. I needed to let him go. It was the first step towards repairing my marriage. The battle between heart and mind is an exhausting battle. In the end, my mind won and my heart was shredded into a million pieces as I drove to meet Ozzy.

We met late in the afternoon. We met at our usual coffee spot. I pulled in to the parking lot and I was numb. I of course had played this moment over and over in my head as to what might happen, what his response might be. I slowly got out of the car and walked over to Ozzy, who was standing near his car. I think he knew something was not quite right. I usually greeted him with a hug and a kiss. I was usually upbeat and always happy to see him. This greeting was much different.

He went in to get a coffee and asked if I wanted one. I said no. He returned minutes later and asked where I wanted to go to talk. I gave him a long hug. It was the last hug before saying good bye. I suggested a place that was special to us. It was a place that we had walked many times. It was a place we loved. Ozzy must have certainty known something was up when I opted to drive to our rondevue separately.

We arrived and descended down the wooden stairs to a single bench over looking a small lake. I don't remember any details of our actual conversation. It was a fairly short conversation. I recall the hurt in his eyes. The disappointment on his face. I remember crying as I told him the decision that I had made. He stood up, tears in his eyes, and after what seemeed like forever said something. I can't recall what it was. But he then turned around and I watched him as he walked up the steps, got into his car, and sped off.

My heart shattered. I sat on the bench for a long while sobbing. I had thougth for a moment that I was making the wrong choice and that if only Ozzy would drive back to the park I would change my mind. I sat there waiting and crying. I gathered myself and the pieces of my heart and walked up to my car. I didn't dare drive home. I didn't want to be alone. I needed to talk to somebody. I drove with no destination in mind.

I arrived at a house of a wonderful couple. This family had been amazing mentors in during mine and Scott's marriage. This family was a wonderful God loving family. They immediately invited me in. I sat on their couch and told them of everything that happened. They prayed over me and gave me some advice. The consoled me and encouraged me as I faced the next task of revealing my decision to Scott.

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