Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Passion of the Christ

Have you ever seen the movie called, "the passion of the Christ" ? You can find out more from the link below



It was shortly after my affair was revealed that Scott and I viewed this movie together with our church. I will never forget my reaction to the first time I watched the movie called the Passion of the Christ. As a christian I have read the gospels and heard sermons on Jesus' last time here on earth. I've read about the passover and Peter denying Jesus. I have read about the persecution and suffering Christ endured on the cross. However, nothing, I mean absolutely nothing brought the point home but this movie.

This movie is raw, real and gruesome as Jesus is being beaten. The crack of the whip still replays in my mind, and it has been over 8 years since I've seen the movie. I jumped and winced every time I heard the whip crack..at first I was able to watch, but as the whip cracked again and again and again..and the skin of Jesus ripped and tore..I had to turn my head. Tears streamed down my face as I heard the sounds.

I sat in my comfy movie theater seat and had a heart to heart with Jesus.  "I am doing this for you. Your lies your infidelity are marked upon my body. I had a choice too. I could have said no. I could have turned away when my Father asked me to carry this cup, but I didn't. I knew of all the sins you were going to commit. I knew that you would need me to do this. See the tears in my flesh. See my blood pouring out. See, they are nailing me to the cross...here I am being crucified for you. Your  lives, your infidelity...is payed for. Your broken marriage vows are paid for. Your life is ready to be restored. Your sins are forgiven as soon as you ask, as soon as you are willing to admit your sins. By my blood your sins will be as white as snow."

It still leaves me speechless to know the price my Jesus paid for me. My sneaking around. My temporary pleasures. My immediate desires are all there hanging on the cross with my Jesus.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Control Your Actions

You are so flirtatious...

I can't help it. It's just the way I am. God made me really friendly.

I know that being flirtatious is a personality trait, but I also know that is one of the very things that got me into trouble. When I would flirt, it sends a message that I like you. I am attracted to you. Men react to flirting the same way regardless if you are taken or not. Most of them can't help it. (no offense) When I flirted I was sending an unintentional signal. The Bible instructs us to live life worthy of praise:


"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
Philippians 4:8 ESV


So, as difficult as it may be, if your personality is flirtatious..please control your actions. Save your flirting for your husband. He will appreciate it. You will also be a setting a wonderful example to young women everywhere that it is not okay to flirt.

Here is an interesting article I found..please take the time to read it:


http://www.relationshiptrust.com/Flirting/flirtingdanger.htm#.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

My Flirtatious Personality

Growing up, I was boy crazy. At least that's what my family also told me. I had a very flamboyant personality. I was extremely friendly and really flirtatious. I haven't quite figured out just what I was trying to achieve by being flirty. I probably loved the attention. It got me attention.

I wasn't exactly popular in middle school or high school, but I loved to drive the boys crazy. I flirted with many, many people. One particular day stands out in my mind.

I had the hots for this guy. I am pretty sure he had the hots for me. (I love the word, hots, LOL) Anyways, we flirted all the time. I with him. Him with me. If you would have been an outsider you probably would have thought that we were in a relationship...but we weren't. I would have loved to be, but that is beside the point.

One day, while we were flirting extremely bad, a teacher who had been watching us said, "why don't you two just kiss and get it over with all ready!" I couldn't believe that a teacher just observing, not knowing our hearts and desires, could make such an audacious statement and be so right. This particular comment has stuck with me for a long time. They say hind sight is 20/20. I never really changed my personality because of this observation. I maybe should have reflected on the statement.

I wasn't much different in college. This is where things got me into trouble. I leaned a very important lesson. One that I wish someone would have taught me earlier. Just because you are attracted to someone does not mean you need to flirt with them. I was married and still flirting. I was sending a terrible signal to other men that I was available and that I liked them.

I can't remember the book/magazine/or article that I read, but it simple stated, "God made some pretty good looking men. Instead of focusing on how great they look. What they would look like with their shirt off. Imagining what your life would be like with them...Just simply praise God for making a beautiful creation, and move on."

Psalms 4:23-26

Above all else, guard your heart,
    for everything you do flows from it.
24 Keep your mouth free of perversity;
    keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead;
    fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Give careful thought to the[c] paths for your feet
    and be steadfast in all your ways.


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My Confidence

I have always struggled with how others view me. I always wonder what they thinking. I wondering if they really like me. I know that I am not the only one who struggles with this. A lot of women do and maybe even some men. Fitting in is so important, or so I used to think.

I have now come to realize that it doesn't even matter. All that matters is that I am loved by my Heavenly Father. He made me the way I am. He loves me. He forgives me. He doesn't hold my past against me. He sent his only son to die on the cross to pay the penilties for my wrong doings.

So I am not going to live this life in fear of what others think. I am not going to give them that kind of power over me. I am going to live my life with my confidence and faith in the Lord. I challenge you to do the same.


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I was Right

Who knew a simple statement, one sentence, can change how you view yourself. I became very sensitive to everything that was said to me. I internalized words and took them to heart regardless of the intent. I was a wounded bird trying to erase my past, but somehow, I was letting my past suffocate me.

Scott and I had just moved. I knew very few people in our new area and this worked well in my favor. I choose to stay home a lot and not get to know anyone. At this time, I was a preschool teacher. I loved my job. It was perfect. I poured myself into my work. I let my work consume me. It was easier this way. By keeping busy, I could forget my past. I didn't have to make friends.
                                                                            

Then it happened. It wasn't even about me...but the conversation made me realize that all my fears of others judging me and not accepting me were right...

We had made plans to go out as a group. We all road together. We parked the car. We didn't get out because someone was revealing some of the latest gossip.

"You know, she had an affair right?"

"Who would ever do that? That is the most selfish thing anyone could ever do! You have to be heartless."

"She is a terrible person for doing that. I can't believe her husband still loves her. They are still together you know. If I were married to her I would have kicked her to the curb."

As the conversation went on and on and on for what seemed like forever, I sat there in silence. Utter silence. I was in shock. I was fighting with all my might to not let the tears fall. I was fighting against all my power not to yell at this group of women to tell them they were wrong. I don't know if the rumors were true or not about this particular person. It didn't matter. What mattered was I wanted to give these women a piece of my mind.

How would you know. How dare you judge someone else. You don't know the story. You don't know what it's like to be in her shoes or her husband's shoes. I can't believe how shallow and mean you ladies are. You are supposed to be christian women. Women who love others and judge not what others do. I know because I have been there. These things you are saying about her..are the same things you would say about me if you knew about my past. I had an affair. I must be heartless. I must be so selfish. My husband must hate me. But you are so wrong. My heavenly father paid the price of my sin. He has cleansed me as white as snow and my sin is no more. I am forgiven. My husband still loves me because my God is good. He has taken this mistake to grow my husband and I closer together. He has taken this sin and washed it away.  How dare you judge someone and their situation when you don't know anything about it.

 But instead, I kept silent. I knew that if I said anything, that I too would be judged. They would not like me anymore. If they found out my secrets, they would be saying these very words but only it would be about me. So, regretfully I didn't say a word.

After that night, I was busy building walls. I was never going to let these women ever find out my secret. I saw these women in a different light. I doubt they ever looked for the truth in that rumor. I decided that these women were not very nice. I began to distance myself from them. I was once again lonely because  this whole time I was right. If anyone found out about  my past, they would judge me. They would spread rumors about me. They would hate me too.

My heart is still so raw when I reflect on this story. That night was over 5 years ago...and it is still so clear in my mind. To this day, I regret not saying anything in the car that night. It makes me so sad to know that there are people in this world who poorly judge others. I did take away two important lessons from that night. The first is, I will try really hard to not judge others. I don't know what their situation is. It is not my place to judge and I refuse to build gossip and bind those lies to anybody's situation. The second thing I learned is that those women were never really my friends. My heart was crushed when I realized this. It has caused me to be very careful when making new friends.

I did made some authentic friendships from that wonderful job, friendships that have lasted this long and that are continuing strong. These friends know my past, my sin and  my story and they love me for all that I have overcome. They love me for me. They are proud of the person I am and most importantly, they don't judge me for what was done is my past, but accept it as part of me.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Gratitude Journal Entry # 18, 19 & 20

Gratitude Journal Entry # 18, 19 & 20

#18
I have recently become part of a group encouraging writers and speakers to share their story. I am so inspired by other ladies who are willing to step out and share the hard parts of their life. Their passion is amazing. I too have a strong passion for sharing my story, if you haven't guessed.) I want others to learn the lessons through me instead of on their own. I desperately want to give the all the glory to God for the restoration of my marriage and the healing of my heart.

# 19
I am so thankful once again for a husband who loves and supports me in this new journey. He encourages me and gives me all the time and space I need to write.  He is always listening to all my ideas and willing to give advice when asked.

#20

I am so grateful for the courage God has given me to step out and share the secret sin in my life with others. If God had not made the calling as clear as he has, I wouldn't be so brave to do it..."But Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him." Jeremiah 17:7. My confidence and strength comes from the Lord.


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

"Marital Mason"

I am currently ready a book written by, Paul David Tripp entitled, What did you expect? It's a marriage book.

In chapter 4, Tripp talks about being marital masons. Building your marriage up brick by brick.

Here is what he has to say..

"Every day we lay little bricks on the foundation of what our lives will be.  The bricks of words say, the bricks of actions taken, the bricks of little decisions, the bricks of little thoughts, and the bricks of small-moment desires all work together to form the functional edifice that is your marriage.  So, you have to view yourself as a marital mason.  You are daily on the job adding another layer of bricks that will determine the shape of your marriage for days, weeks, and years to come."

All the bricks we lay are little moments in our lives...lots of little moments.

I was a marital mason, until my affair. I then became a bulldozer and knocked every brick I had ever laid. My marriage wasn't reshaped it was ruined. I am sad that such a catastrophe can cause a person's perspective to change so drastically. I am so careful about the bricks I am relaying..I am responsible for the destruction of my marriage and now I am so careful and mindful for the little moments in our marriage. The little things that may cause others to react in a harsh way don't even phase me.

"My husband didn't load the dishwasher the right way."

My husband doesn't watch the kids with same watchful eyes..they need to be watched."

"My husband leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. The hamper is 2 steps away."

"My husband never cleans up after himself...

the complaints go on and on and on...and for me..these little things don't bother me anymore. I wrecked our marriage, I think I can handle picking up his dirty clothes. I broke my marriage vows, I owe it to my husband to allow him to load the dishwasher the way he wants to.

I really want others to learn from my perspective..I don't want others to have to endure the crushing realities of a broken marriage. I pray that through my lessons that others eyes will be open to my perspective..It is so amazing the change that happens when your marriage has to endure such hardship and needs to be rebuilt from scratch, please learn from my lessons so that you don't have to go through this.

 Click the book for a link :)
What Did You Expect?
Click Here for Link






Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Honeymoon and the Hermit

Scott and I had relocated. Call it what you will, but the move changed our life, for the better. We entered what the experts call, a second honeymoon phase. Just for the record, an affair doesn't make this happen any faster or different for anyone. Relationships are cyclical..having highs and lows. The highs come when both partners are willing to work on the marriage with every fiber of their being. God was placed once again as the center of our marriage and I believe that a second honeymoon was a blessing from the Lord. He knew what we needed to reconnect and refocus on Him and each other.

After the big move, Scott and I worked, and worked, with blood, sweat and tears to repair our broken and fractured marriage. We were diligent in working to make new memories together. We began opening up to one another again. We rebuilt trust. We shared our new hopes and dreams with one another. It really was a beautiful and happy time for us. It was real. Our love was absolute and it felt great!

I was on cloud nine. Our second honeymoon for 2-3 years.  I was getting reacquainted with the man I had once married. I remember being so shocked and dumbfounded as I really got to know Scott. I guess the things I saw in Ozzy were things that Scott lacked, but I was wrong. I had never taken the time to search for them in my husband. We were falling in love with each other all over again.

Being in the honeymoon phase you are completely focused on each other and often push out the "real world, " including friends and family. And that is what happened to us. We got together with people but we were so focused on each other that I never stopped for one moment to think about how others were viewing us. To no surprise, we were the big news I am sure in many circles. We heard the many rumors that were going around as the story leaked out..most of the information that came back to us was of course, very far from the truth.

On one particular day, I was hit, square in the face by this notion.


Scott and I were invited to a friends house for dinner. These friends knew our history, the actual facts, and in my mind they didn't judge me for my sins...BUT I was shocked by a single sentence that was said at the dinner table..

"How are you guys doing?" that was the questions..I was relieved that they cared for the well being of our relationship. I was awestruck that they had to courage to ask how we were doing..we needed accountability..I think everyone needs accountability.

I honestly answered the questions, "We are doing great. We are in like another honeymoon phase or something and our relationship is really healing."

Then it hit me..."Well, it might look good from the outside."

 The reply to my response shook my world to the core. It actually took everything within me to not get up and leave the house. I fought back tears..This was the first time I began to freak out about what others thought. Obviously others were thinking that we were fake on the outside..we were never going to be okay..these thoughts poisoned my mind and my heart..and I quickly became a hermit. I was scared to death to face the reality of what others thought of us..of me.