Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Fall

Our world is full of smooth talkers and talented manipulators. The darkness can be covered by something that looks so good. The devil is not an idiot. He is well prepared for the battle over your soul. He will do anything to win. He carries around a bad bag of tactics that work on each individual.  Maybe he has a library, housing books with our names on it. In each book are the very devices that can bring us down. He will use them to his advantage in anyway he can. He is ruthless. He is cunning.

 I hate to give the devil so much credit, but for a time in my life I was bested by him in the worst way. If satan can get me to listen to his lies I begin to play them over and over again in my own head until I am defeated.  These lies that I hear again and again start wearing on me eventually tearing down everything that I know are true. "You aren't good enough for him. You aren't worth anything. You are never going to know love."

I had been married to my husband for not more than a year. It was a hard year. We were adjusting. We had to learn how to live together. We had to learn how to manage our time as he was working and I was still going to school. We were still learning about each other. I for one was still getting comfortable with my new role as a wife. I was uncertain and a bit timid when  BAM!! My lack of self confidence opened the door allowing these lies to pop into my head and spoil my heart.

At first, I dismissed the lies, but Satan is relentless. He doesn't stop easily. I told myself that I was being silly for even thinking such things. I busied myself with activities, homework and house chores. I heard the lies and once I listened, I slowly began to believe them. He had me tricked.

I began to believe that Scott deserved someone better. I began to second guess the things I had to offer to Scott and our relationship. I began to think that I had married the wrong man. The torment inside my heart stayed there. I never stopped to tell anyone my feelings, not Scott,  not my friends. I was being persuaded more and more by the deception that clouded my head and heart.

Once my self esteem and confidence as a new wife were torn down completely, I began struggling to find myself. I hid my feelings from everyone and  I finally decided to open my heart to friend. I began telling my friend about my personal struggles. I began to share my inadequacies as a wife. I opened up to a friend. Looking back now, opening up to this friend was the biggest mistake I ever made.

My story started with a lie. The bad news is, it gets worse, much worse. The good news is God delivers me from the lies, repairs my heart, and guides me with His marvelous Grace back into His loving arms. Sharing this story is hard. It makes my heart sad. It floods my mind and heart with raw emotions. I am finding that retelling my story is making me deal with past issues that were not dealt with properly. This is an enormous emotional task. I know without a doubt that God has called me to share my testimony with the world. He has a purpose. He always does!!

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